It’s time for another week of episodes from the locally-produced “Southie Rules.”
Since last week’s premiere, we’ve figured out that the show is not really pure “reality” and more like “structured reality.”Yuppies were caricatured instead of Southie townies and the extremely rich character of the neighborhood itself was underutilized. Producers said more of South Boston would be explored, so we’ll see.
Also, locals can’t get too relieved that Southie looks to have escaped the notorious portrayal of characters and town like in “Jersey Shore.” Filming is under way in South Boston for another reality show from the same team that introduced the world to Snookie and The Situation. Sounds like a pretty typical Southie standoff.
According to reports, there’s a rivalry brewing between the “Southie Rules” team, who was around first and has so far mostly protected the reputation of locals and the 495 production that moved in later and whose exact intentions are a mystery. If only there was a reality show based on the filming of these reality shows.
On to the recap:
The show started off with Devin talking about his problems with the ladies. It’s a love-themed episode! If A&E had aired just one episode a night starting last week instead of stacking two-per-Tuesday, this dating episode would have run on the same week as Valentine’s Day. Does anyone else wonder if A&E is trying to burn through all of its “Southie Rules” episodes? Last week’s first episode was watched by 1.28 million people and the immediate follow-up was watched by .82 million, according to the Nielsen ratings.
As Jonathan worked on his core in the living room, Devin discussed dating with Matt and Jenn. Jenn announced that she missed dating and leaves in a huff. Devin reminded him that it was his anniversary.
The show needs to drop the subtitles for Devin. It’s already old and hard to pay attention to him. We get he has an accent (less of an accent and more like he has cotton balls in his mouth or something).
Matt, Devin and Jon brainstormed ideas on how to celebrate. Matt shot down ideas to go to the zoo, write a poem, or go to a Mark Wahlburg movie. “If you want to have sex, you’ll take her to a Mark Wahlburg movie,” said Jonathan.
Matt ran to let Jenn know that he had the anniversary all planned out. But she told him she had already promised to babysit for everyone else going on dates that night because she assumed he had forgotten. He then scrambled to find a replacement, getting rejected by each family member until asking Devin. The couch-lurker agreed (it said so in the episode’s title: “Devin’s Adventure in Babysitting”) after first making Matt eat a piece of banana, which he loathes after a traumatic experience involving his brother and a cupcake. “You’ll bid to my wishes?” asked Devin.
Devin called to cancel his date with Stefanie, saying “game over, game over!”
“I’m going to babysit cause that’s what friends are for,” he said. Matt, still resentful for puking up banana, later recruited a bunch of extra neighborhood kids to Devin’s babysitting attempt. Not nice.
Walter made an appearance as the children were dropped off. “I’ll kill you, I swear to God, I’ll kill you,” he said to Devin. This show needs more crabby Walter. He’s the best part of the show. Too bad it’s never mentioned that his tattoo shop is in Framingham and he’s divorced from Camille but they still live together.
Matt and Jenn arrived at a restaurant called “Pangea,” which probably exists only on this show because even Yelp has no record of this place. Maybe some bored people on the internet can create a fake review for it, like: Doesn’t serve tap water. Brags that it serves “globally sourced” which nobody actually says because that’s like saying it serves food that came from somewhere on this planet.
The couple got sent back to the end of the line outside because Matt didn’t secure a reservation. Coincidentally, his brother Jonathan then walked by with his date, Jessy. The pair are welcomed into the restaurant, which from the view outside, looked like it had more than a few empty tables and could have accommodated Matt and Jenn. Eventually, Jonathan and Jessy invited Matt and Jenn to join them at their table for two. They all ordered food that looked delicious but wasn’t suited to their tastes.
“If you want to get hooked up at a restaurant in Southie, go into the back and see who you know,” said Matt. “There's real food in the kitchen.”
The couples head to the back and got Portabello’s pizza from Matt’s friend, Jeff. That was pretty funny. “Even I don’t eat here,” said Jeff.
At home, they ran into Jarod and Leah, who’ve been filling up on No. 47 at China Palace and Scorpion Bowl alcohol. At the door, they interrupted Devin speaking with Stefanie, who misinterpreted “Game over” for “come over.” She left confused. Devin had quite the night with inflatable balls, tiaras, a pink tutu, and a terrible kid named Jacob. Maybe Stefanie will be back.
The second episode of the evening focused on Jenn, Matt’s girlfriend. After scenes of Jenn moving around mattresses and throwing hats out her window, Camille announced that her conclusion was that Jenn was pregnant.
Camille handed Jenn half a bottle of Pinesol because it’s the Southie way of determining if a woman is pregnant. Matt and Jonathan hovered on the stairs waiting for the results, with occasional nagging comments from Jonathan, like, “She’s peeing by the sink, I can see her feet.”
Jenn walked out with a green bottle, which normally means she’s been drinking way too much blue Powerade, but instead, Camille interpreted the color as a sign Jenn was pregnant. Jenn disagreed, saying the signal color was blue, which is impossible since nothing mixes with yellow Pinesol to make blue. Blue is a primary color.
Color is of no importance to Jenn. She walked down the stairs and tossed her green-colored bottle of pee onto Jonathan. “It’s running down my leg,” he yelled. “It’s so warm.”
Matt reacted to the news like a grown-up, realizing that he’d have to provide for another kid. He wouldn’t be able to do that with his part-time job at his family’s tattoo parlor. Matt turned to Leah, Jarod, and Devin to help get him into job-interview shape. His resume included tidbits like: “Highly experienced in martial arts” and “Great basketball player.”
Then, he dressed up in a suit and slicked back his hair while he was interviewed by the group sitting on pink kiddie chairs. It’s not possible to do a “Southie Guy in a funny suit” and expect to top Ben Affleck’s “You’re suspect!” scene from “Good Will Hunting.” Reeeetaaainer!
Jonathan was not phased by Jenn’s urine dousing, so he went to Ikea to pick up a crib. The funniest part of the episode, of course, involved Walter yelling at Jonathan while he tried to put the crib together.
“If you cut it more I’m going to flip out,” said Walter. “I’m not going to sit there and watch you do that for two hours—I’ll go out of my ****ing mind.”
The father figure left the room, leaving behind Jonathan, trying to turn a screw into particle cardboard with his teeth.
Back to Jenn, she was being pestered by Camille and then her sisters. They accused her of being pregnant and she disagreed. We live in an area with the most top-notch hospitals than almost anywhere in the world and Jenn finally took a stand and announced she would turn to an expert: her psychic. The psychic gave some wishy-washy answers and finally, Jessy held out a pregnancy test. Why did she carry around a pregnancy test? Was it because she was “Polyamorous” or because this is a “structured reality” show?
The test came back negative. Everyone quieted down. The broken-down crib could be tossed out. But Jenn said the whole experience made her realize she might want another kid. But only if Matt could get a real job.