Touching All the Bases

Argue If You Want, But You'll Be Wrong: The Ultimate Red Sox Roster Must Begin With ...

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Well, that is how I'd start my ultimate Red Sox team: Give Pedro the baseball, watch him brush back an occasional batter just for the sport of it while embarrassing the rest with the unmatched repertoire from his heyday ... then, profit.

I bring this up because RadioBDC's Adam XII, my Red Sox podcast brother along with Steve Silva, put together a version of the recent and fun trend that has become a sub-timewaster on Twitter:

You know the drill. You have X-amount of dollars to spend to put together the ideal all-time anything: rock band, hockey team, NBA starting five, or, my favorite from the cramped aftermath of Game 1 of the NBA Finals, an arena.

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Here's the menu of options Adam came up with for the Red Sox:


What, neither Drew brother? VOID.

Actually, it's a well-considered and thorough list, even if I have no bleeping idea who Lou Criger is. (And upon looking him up, the .221 career hitter appears to be a turn-of-the-century Gary Allenson.)

Eric Wilbur put together his team right here. It's charming, with all of its Marty Barrett opposite-field grit. Now, meet the champs:

SP: Pedro Martinez ($3): The best pitcher in baseball history for less than Roger Clemesn? So obvious even Grady Little would take him here. (Sorry, had to.) I look forward to Pedro drilling the the leadoff hitter to start a brawl in the matchup with the Ultimate (Devil) Rays roster, presumably Julio Lugo.

C: Carlton Fisk ($5): It's a damn shame Pudge, who hit .284/.356/.481 during his 11 years with the Red Sox, actually spent more time with the White Sox (13 seasons). This rights Haywood Sullivan's most blatant of so many wrongs.

1B: David Ortiz ($4): If his .455/.576/.795 slash line in three World Series victories doesn't do it for you, maybe you need a more recent piece of evidence regarding the reason for his indisputable place on this roster:

He turned that baseball to powder. That thing exploded like the Randy Johnson bird. Even the midges sympathized

2B: Bobby Doerr ($5): Doerr walked nearly 200 more times than he whiffed, finished in the top 10 in MVP balloting eight times, and had a career slash-line of .288/.362/.461 with 223 homers in 14 seasons. Sorry, Pedey. This guy was better, and he has the plaque in Cooperstown to prove it.

SS: Nomar Garciaparra ($4): Bettah (.357) than (.372) Jeetah.

3B: Mike Lowell ($1): The 2007 version only. And only because Butch Hobson was a glaring oversight. I'll admit this, though. I can't recall Lowell ever making a bad throw. I can't recall seeing Hobson make a good one.

LF: Manny Ramirez ($2): "What, no Ted Williams?" [10,000 sports writers simultaneously collapse on a fainting couch.]

CF: Ellis Burks ($1): Hell, did you see him at the Class of 2004 reunion? He's 49, and he looks like he could be starting in center field right now. Probably should, actually.

RF: Tony Conigliaro ($2): No one is pitching him inside with Pedro around.

Adding Hobson, Pat Dodson ($0), Pokey Reese ($0) and Chico Walker ($0) to my bench and Rich Garces ($0) as my entire bullpen and, let's see, that puts me at ... $27.

Three bucks left, huh? Gonna use that to go off the board and add both Drew brothers at a buck each. (Actually, .71 cents for Stephen since it's pro-rated.)

And that last buck? Saving it for Giancarlo Stanton in 2016. Der.

Let me know in the comments about the team you put together to get destroyed by mine ...