My fantasy leagues have special rules
If I were the Czar of all Sports . . .
The incomparable Sean McDonough would be the voice of the Red Sox, the Patriots, the Celtics, and the Bruins. (He can't have Boston University hockey, however. That belongs to Bernie Corbett.)
No NBA team would be allowed to have a lights-out, music-up starting-lineup intro unless its record was at least .500.
Sunday games in any pro sport would start no later than 4 p.m. There would, of course, be no Saturday night baseball games. Anywhere. Ever.
It goes without saying that all World Series weekend games would start at 1 p.m. local time.
Any Division 1 college basketball team that does not leave its state for a game before Jan. 1 would forfeit a scholarship the following season.
The stifling lunacy known as offside would disappear from hockey.
The 3-point shot would be abolished. This is the worst thing basketball has done to itself in the past 50 years.
Tim Wakefield would win 20 games.
Jeff Gordon would win every NASCAR race. (Just to drive millions of people crazy.)
Any singer, or singers, whose national anthem exceeds a minute and 15 seconds would be subject to arrest and prosecution.
Bud Collins would get to cover an American Grand Slam winner. (Just so we'd have the pleasure of reading all about it.)
Terry Francona would wear a uniform top for every game. (What number is he, anyway?)
A bonus of $500,000 would be given to the NBA coach whose team leads the league in scoring.
A deduction of $500,000 would be made from the paycheck of any NBA coach whose team does not average at least 80 shots per game.
Should any manager choose to walk Barry Bonds intentionally with the bases unoccupied, Mr. Bonds would be sent to third base.
Troy Brown would catch the winning touchdown pass and make a game-saving interception in the Super Bowl . . . but Tedy Bruschi would be named MVP.
The Bentley women's basketball team would finally win the whole thing.
All luxury boxes in all stadia and arenas would be torn out. If the rich people want to pay for courtside or front-row seats, that should be enough.
Catchers would not be allowed to block the plate. This practice is dangerous and simply makes no sense. (See: Fisk, Pudge, and Lee, Leron, 1974.)
Having said that, Jason Varitek would become the Sox' player-manager. (Just to prove it could be done.)
Some 7-foot kid would come along with a killer hook shot.
The NFL would adopt the college rule of one foot inbounds being good enough for a reception.
And, ahem, the fumble would be put back in football, the way God and Dick Butkus intended. Henceforth, a ball that has been separated from its carrier would be available to one and all until the whistle blows.
If there ever again is an NHL, franchises would be taken out of American sites such as New Jersey and Florida and put back in Quebec City and Winnipeg, where they belong.
A bust of Dave Roberts would be placed at the corner of Brookline Ave. and Yawkey Way.
Red Auerbach still would be around when the Celtics hoist championship banner No. 17.
Every coach and manager in professional sports and the highest levels of college athletics would be given shots of sodium pentathol prior to each session with the media.
Jeremy Jacobs would be implanted with some of John Henry and Bob Kraft's I-want-to-win-a-title DNA. And I probably can include Wyc Grousbeck and Steve Pagliuca, as well.
Major league batters once again would be allowed to check a swing. (Aren't you sick of seeing guys rung up on false pretenses?)
Paul Pierce would study some old Kevin McHale tapes and notice that there is a lot to be said for running the lane and getting an easy 2 points.
Big league managers would be limited to four (4) pitchers per game, even if the tilt goes 27 innings.
A new generation of males would grow up with an appreciation of women's basketball.
On the first helmet-to-helmet hit, the defensive perp would be suspended for the season. On the second, he would be banned for life.
No overtime football game could be decided by a field goal. The game is about seizing territory, not placekicking.
The Harvard men would win the Ivy League basketball title and then knock off Kansas in the first-round shockah to end all shockahs.
David Ortiz would hit one a row above the red seat.
Boston College basketball would get to a Final Four. (They'd have to sedate Ted Sarandis.)
Cam Neely would be enshrined in the Hockey Hall of Fame.
The folks at Fenway would get back to one (1) "throwing out the first ball" per game. By this time, who's left? I think Whitey Bulger threw one out last year when no one was looking.
Johnny Pesky's fungo bat would be bronzed and sent to Cooperstown.
We would take up a collection to buy Coach Belichick a snappy sideline outfit. (Can you picture him in a camel's-hair topcoat and fedora, a la Vince Lombardi?)
Brad Faxon would win a major (in a playoff with Billy Andrade).
Pokey Reese would wake up to find himself a .300 hitter. (Am I exaggerating, or is he the best defensive shortstop to ever wear a Red Sox uniform?)
The Tigers and Pirates would have a rematch of the 1909 World Series. (With any luck, it would be half as good.)
The US would win the World Cup. (Just to see what the haughty Brits would write.)
Kobe Bryant would win the next 10 scoring titles, but the Lakers would never make the playoffs.
Bill Buckner would stop pouting and come back to throw out the first ball at Opening Day 2005.
Bob Ryan is a Globe columnist. His e-mail address is firstname.lastname@example.org.