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The Chiefs' evil conspiracy

Posted by Mike McDonald March 5, 2009 05:56 AM

Step 1 Kansas City directs a heat-seeking safety at Tom Brady's knee, knocking him out for the 2008 season and into the arms of a Brazilian supermodel.

Step 2 Candles are lit in churches throughout New England, and Matt Cassel's miraculous ascension ensues.

Step 3 The Chiefs steal Patriots vice president of player personnel Scott Pioli, for zero compensation.

Step 4 Pioli channels the ghost of Hank Stram and hypnotizes former boss Bill Belichick into trading a franchise NFL quarterback and his pass-rushing defensive captain for a second-round draft pick and a tuna fish sandwich.

Step 5 Kansas City receives an NFL stimulus package from New England.

Mar-bur-y (v.)

Mar: To spoil or detract from something. To ruin.

Bury: To put a dead body in a grave dug in the ground.

My question about Stephon Marbury isn’t “Can he play?” It’s “What happens when you put a second-team player with a first-team ego on the bench?”

I’m hoping Danny Ainge and Rajon Rondo don’t suffer the dictionary definitions of Marbury.

The name game
In last week’s game against the Celtics, Indiana put Marquis Daniels and Jarrett Jack on the floor at the same time. So for about 10 minutes, the C’s were playing against a backcourt of Jack-Daniels.

From tee to jail
In the same week that Charles Barkley revealed he’d be serving five days in the slammer for DUI, the Golf Channel chose to launch a TV show based on fixing Barkley’s golf swing. Nice timing, Golf Channel.

I can’t be the only guy hoping that the themes of jail and golf collide on reality TV. Remember the old B movies that show guys banging their tin cups along the bars of their cells? That’s how I picture Charles in stir, TaylorMade driver flailing off the floor, toilet, walls, and ceiling.

The skinny on Mikki
Picture a friend who stands 6 feet tall and weighs 230 pounds. Now run that friend through a pasta roller until he's 7 feet tall, and subtract five pounds. You'll have new Celtic he-man Mikki "The Stick" Moore. Mikki, who has hair like the Predator and the body of Karen Carpenter, was acquired to add "length" to the team. The Celts certainly weren't hoping to add width. To put it in context, Big Baby Glen Davis outweighs the guy by 64 pounds and is three inches shorter. Mikki looks like the guy on "The Biggest Loser" who just didn't know when to quit.

Evidence continues to pile up that steroids make you extra stupid. Example No. 1 is Alex Rodriguez continuing to have his drug-running cousin, Yuri Sucart, drive him to the ballpark. It took the brainpower of Yankee GM Brian Cashman to point out that hanging with a drug dealer is bad PR. New applicants to be A-Rod’s chauffeur include Victor Conte, Brian McNamee, and Amy Winehouse.

Vick runs a fly pattern
Michael Vick will soon be released from prison and transferred to home confinement, one step closer to getting back into the NFL. I picture Vick out in his yard with an ankle bracelet, throwing footballs over an electric fence and playing fetch with free-range wide receivers.

Trash pile
Commissioner Roger Goodell has decided to stand in solidarity with other NFL employees and take a 20 percent pay cut — which knocks him down to a bare-bones $8.8 million a year. Ouch. That’s gotta hurt. A measly 8 million and change? There go the dreams of caviar served off the naked stomachs of Russian sex bunnies. Money is tight — Kraft Macaroni & Cheese will be big on the menu at the Goodell family hovel this year. … The Vikings acquired QB Sage Rosenfels from the Texans for a fourth-round pick. Sage? Defensive coordinators are more afraid of Rosemary’s baby than they are of a guy named Sage. It’ll be about Week 4 of next season when the Vikings throw Sage back onto the spice rack.

Boston stand-up comedian Mike McDonald tells funny stories all over the world and sells the World’s Funniest Golf Balls at ComedyGolf.com.

2 comments so far...
  1. I'm hoping they keep you, Mike, for the online version. Good to read someone who is genuinely funny that really knows his sports. Too many columnists try to pass snide off as funny.

    Posted by dan M. March 14, 09 01:02 PM
  1. Thanks to anyone who ever stopped by and read my stuff. It was a lot of fun to have this column........

    Posted by Mike McDonald May 6, 09 12:36 PM
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