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Got milk?

Posted by Mike McDonald February 26, 2009 05:57 AM

Julio Lugo of the Red Sox has revealed that he is lactose intolerant. Judging from his defense at shortstop last year, somebody must have been rubbing milk on the baseballs and making sure his glove was 100 percent cowhide. Lugo is posturing that he might demand a trade if he doesn't get handed the shortstop job. Julio, please! Who's your adviser, Plaxico Burress? For $9 million, if the coach asks you to get him a moon pie and a Yoo-hoo, you say, "Yes, sir." I suggest the Sox trade Lugo to Manchester United, because he boots them like Beckham and rarely gets a "hand ball" call.

As part of a Red Sox promotion with the state of Massachusetts, Tim Wakefield should be required to live in Wakefield, Mike Lowell in Lowell, and Wes Littleton in Littleton. And on top of that, the Sox' official sports psychologist, Bob Tewksbury, ought to live in ... well, you get the gist.

The Yankees' annual spring training drug drama began with Alex Rodriguez admitting that not only did he do performance-enhancing drugs, but also that a mystery cousin muled the drugs in from the Dominican Republic and back-alley-doctored them into his butt. Hell, I won't let my cousin stick me with a check, let alone a needle filled with some street juice called "boli." If I'm making $25 million a year, I hire a doctor to put a needle into me, not some cousin with 30 seconds of Dominican medical school training. I'm waiting for A-Rod's admission that he had to bite the head off a chicken and do some voodoo to achieve optimal 'roid results.

The little Can that could
Oil Can Boyd, the black Bill Lee, has decided that after an 18-year layoff, his arm is in tip-top shape and his 49-year-old body is ready for the rigors of a major league comeback. Boyd says he thinks his fastball is in the same range as his blood pressure -- low 90s -- and is hoping to catch a desperate GM on a whiskey bender who'll give him a tryout and another shot at the bigs. Personally, I'd love to see the Can in the upcoming World Baseball Classic, but it turns out that Alpha Centauri isn't fielding a team.

Missing the up and down
PGA Tour commissioner Tim Finchem played "Mickey the Dunce" on Feb. 17 when he announced that the Stanford St. Jude Championship will go ahead, even though the Securities and Exchange Commission has accused Stanford Financial Group of an $8 billion fraudulent investment scheme. Perhaps future sponsored PGA events will include the Enron Invitational, the WorldCom Championship, and the Bernie Madoff With Your Money Classic.

Trash pile
First Lucky the Leprechaun got the old heave-ho, and now the Celtics have exiled Patrick O'Bryant to Toronto like a large sack of potatoes. Drinks in Southie will be raised in Patty O'Bryant's name as we mourn the loss of his 1.5 points per game.

Minus the advice of Scott Pioli, fashion diva Bill Belichick put away his Pats hoodie and showed up in a Bon Jovi jacket for the NFL scouting combine in Indianapolis. Hopefully this isn't a sign that the team will be drafting on a prayer.

Former Red Sox skipper Grady Little is married to Debbie Little, who, if you say her name backward, sounds like a snack cake.

Lance Armstrong's bike was stolen from his support van last week. Reports are that the police saw the thief but couldn't catch up to him because the damn bike was too fast.

Recently retired NFL quarterback Brett Favre was rushed to the emergency room this past week after complaining of gastric distress and internal blockage. Teams of highly skilled medical professionals were able to reach deep into Favre's colon and successfully remove Tony Kornheiser.

Boston stand-up comedian Mike McDonald tells funny stories all over the world and sells the World's Funniest Golf Balls at ComedyGolf.com

1 comments so far...
  1. Well, Favre "says" he's retired....

    Posted by Dan M. March 7, 09 12:35 AM
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Charles P. Pierce writes for the Boston Globe Magazine. A long-time sportswriter and columnist, Pierce is a frequent guest on national TV and radio.
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