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TRASH TALK: The NFL name game

Posted by Mike McDonald January 1, 2009 05:57 AM

The Patriots have always had some fun or funny names on their team: Sam Gash, Rich Baldinger, Harry Colon and his sister Distended, and now Mr. Two Players in One, BenJarvus Green-Ellis. Here are some other names in the NFL that make me laugh:

Amani Toomer, Giants: If you’re going to have a tumor, it might as well be an Armani.

Lofa Tatupu, Seahawks: Lofa is a Polynesian word meaning “sponge that women use in the shower to rub out cellulite.”

Alge Crumpler, Titans: What’s bad in the swimming pool but great on the football field? Algae.

Drew Henson, Lions: I loved this guy when he was with the Muppets. Drew is the past tense of Draw.

Jamaal Fudge, Falcons: Tell me that name doesn’t make you laugh. Sounds like an ice cream flavor at the Brigham’s in Dorchester. “I’ll have the Jamaal Fudge, please.”

Elvis Dumervil, Broncos: Elvis was never known as a Rhodes Scholar, but suddenly he’s also a citizen of the city of Dumervil.

Guy Whimper, Giants: There may be no crying in baseball, but there is a whimper on the field when the Giants play.

Madison Hedgecock, Giants: Best adult film name.

Love Potion No. 12
Scuttlebutt has it that Tom Brady popped the question to girlfriend Gisele Bundchen on Christmas Eve. My question is, if Brady goes down in a honeymoon accident, will Matt Cassel be there to fill in and complete the pass?

We coulda been a contenda
In a game that should have been broadcast by the Weather Channel and called by Shelby Scott, the Pats did their part by shutting out the Bills. The wind was so ridiculously strong that the goalposts vibrated like giant tuning forks and fat guys going for beer got blown wide right. Somewhere, Scott Norwood was giggling. Which leads me to an old joke about that city. A guy says, “I’m from Buffalo.” His friend says, “Really. You look like you’re from normal parents.”

Which QB do you want December?
At the beginning of the year, Patriots fans wondered aloud why the Packers would trade Brett Favre (above) to the Jets for a bag of footballs. Now that they’ve watched Favre’s disastrous December cost both the Jets and the Pats a playoff berth, they understand. In the last five weeks of the regular season, Favre had two touchdown passes and nine interceptions, and the Jets were 1-4. Chad Pennington had eight TD passes and one interception, and the Dolphins were 5-0. Matt Cassel had eight TD passes and three interceptions, and the Patriots were 4-1. Aaron Rodgers had 11 TD passes and four interceptions, and the Packers were 1-4, mostly because their defense and special teams stink like a northern pike left for three days in the sun.
After Favre skulks out of New York and retires for good, look for the Jets to try to steal Cassel. Want to really get mad? Favre and his 22 interceptions are going to the Pro Bowl.

Boom boom (out go their lights)
He’s got guns. He’s got ammo. He’s got a suitcase packed with money and a hole in his leg. He’s rear-ending old women in Florida while they drive their $140,000 Mercedes. He’s a one-man crime spree, and he’s on the run somewhere this holiday season without insurance. He’s Plaxico Burress, and only his wife and attorney have any idea where his hideout is. I’m guessing Plax isn’t cloistered in a Franciscan monastery, but rather somewhere above a casino in Atlantic City.

I must admit that watching the Eagles squeeze the air out of Jerry Jones’ papier-mâché head made me happy in a sick kind of way. Throughout the game, Jones aged in the direct opposite direction of Benjamin Button.

Year of the Pinocchio
Can somebody in the Chinese sports community please keep track of a birthday? First their female Olympic gymnasts turn out to be tumbling toddlers with counterfeit passports, and now their basketball players (Yi Jianlian, for one) are labeled 21 but in truth are three or maybe 12 years older. Really, guys. If you’re going to eat snake tongue and porcupine quill claiming it helps your memory, shouldn’t you at least be able to remember how old you are? I haven’t seen this many fake IDs since the Yankees signed most of the Dominican Republic.

Boston stand-up comedian Mike McDonald tells funny stories all over the world and sells the World’s Funniest Golf Balls at ComedyGolf.com

1 comments so far...
  1. The question isn't whether or not Favre will retire, he will. The question is how many times will he retire? Pro Bowl? After watching him last Sunday, I can't can't believe he's going to the Hall of Fame.

    Posted by Dan M. January 2, 09 02:46 PM
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