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TRASH TALK: Robbing the rich

Posted by Mike McDonald January 22, 2009 05:57 AM

The Patriots’ coaches and front office are being harvested like new tobacco in Havana, gutted like bluefish on the Cape, and peeled like a Bloomin’ Onion at the Outback. Enough with the metaphors, but you get the idea — the Pats’ talent is being poached. In the past four years, four head coaches and two directors of player personnel have been plucked from the franchise’s management tree. On lesser teams, coaches become available because they stink and get fired. The Patriots lose guys like Scott Pioli and Josh McDaniels because of excellence. It’s gotten so bad that I dreamed Bob Kraft called me to come over to Foxborough and help coach long snappers.

So suspend me. I'm on supplements!
The editors at OT have threatened my suspension because I’m on illegal supplements. Yes, it seems the Flintstones vitamins I’m taking have come up dirty, especially the Barneys.

In the bluff
While awaiting Brian McNamee’s grand jury testimony, let’s pretend I have a million-dollar college coaching job at BC, when a New York team calls me up for a job interview. My boss (whom I forget to tell about the interview) threatens to fire me if I go. The question under those circumstances becomes, “Would I go to the interview?”

No, I would not … because I love a million dollars.

But then at his press conference, my boss blurts out that he will pay the remaining three years and three million on my contract, and I don’t ever have to show up to do any work! What exactly is my downside here? That I don’t get to flash my cash around the Chestnut Hill Mall? No riding the Green Line in the dead of winter? No fresh bagels from Kupel’s in Brookline? How will I live? This guy just made my job a three-year snow day. Gene DeFilippo is a very bad poker player.

Snatching Papi
Someone in the Red Sox front office should hire Jason Bourne to kidnap Big Papi before he can play for the Dominican Republic in the World Baseball Classic. David Ortiz told the AP, “I have been swinging some and my injured wrist has not bothered me since last year.” That’s a far cry from “I feel great and my wrist is 100 percent.” In the old song, John Henry had a hammer; in this case, John Henry ought to use it to knock Ortiz unconscious until spring training.

Miniature golf
At 5-foot-1, 155 pounds, he has the kind of body you normally see on the women’s golf tour, yet he just shot a 62 at the men’s PGA Sony Open. He may be a miniature golfer in height, but Tadd Fujikawa is playing a full-size game.

Trash pile
Michael Irvin was stopped at a red light in Dallas when two men rolled up in a pickup, dropped their windows, and flashed guns. It took Irvin a few nervous seconds to recognize the hellions as Pacman Jones and Plaxico Burress.

Fired Browns coach Romeo Crennel is about to have hip replacement surgery, and hopefully a tummy tuck. There seems to be no truth to the rumor that Crennel is having that hip replaced with a hotplate and cooler. … If we could ever get the boxing Klitschko brothers, Vitali and Wladimir, to hook up with Venus and Serena Williams, we might end up with heavyweight tennis stars who can smash a serve 190 miles per hour or beat you to death with a tennis racket.

After successfully battling testicular cancer, 21-year-old Phil Kessel has gone on IR with mononucleosis, also known as the “kissing disease.” I’m happy to speculate that Kessel’s torrid scoring touch wasn’t limited to just the ice and that he’s well on his way to recovery. …

The organizers of the Bob Hope Chrysler Classic have unceremoniously dumped George Lopez as host because they were surprised to find out that his comedy stylings leaned toward “edgy.” Duh. Perhaps those same geniuses should think about replacing Bob Hope.

Boston stand-up comedian Mike McDonald tells funny stories all over the world and sells the World’s Funniest Golf Balls at ComedyGolf.com

1 comments so far...
  1. Personally, I think George Lopez' jokes about Dorothy Lamour are hilarious. As for the Pats, I believe Romeo Crennel and Charlie Weis are still looking for work.

    Posted by Dan M. January 27, 09 08:20 PM
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