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TRASH TALK: Leaving on a Jet pain

Posted by Mike McDonald January 8, 2009 05:58 AM

I imagine Eric Mangini’s New Year’s Day morning was about as enjoyable as Dane Cook’s half-brother’s: full of surprises, and most of them not what you expected. Jets owner Woody Johnson dumped his young coach in favor of his aging QB diva, which I predict will be the equivalent of swapping out Gabrielle Reece for Cloris Leachman. But Johnson is worried about a new stadium to fill and personal seat licenses to sell, and Brett Favre is his Broadway star.

To Johnson, Favre is Carol Channing in “Hello, Dolly!” and Yul Brynner in “The King and I,” yet if he’d look at Favre’s last five Decembers, he’d realize he really has Pee-Wee Herman at a matinee. Brett in December:

2008: 2 touchdowns, 9 interceptions, 54.90 passer rating

2007: 6 touchdowns, 7 interceptions, 73.33 passer rating

2006: 4 touchdowns, 8 interceptions, 61.22 passer rating

2005: 1 touchdown, 10 interceptions, 54.40 passer rating

That’s 13 touchdowns, 34 interceptions, and a passer rating of 59.92 in those 20 games. Favre’s star power has fooled Johnson and done away with Mangini.

Bizarrely, it appears Favre has used Mississippi Jedi mind tricks to cost BC head coach Jeff Jagodzinski his job, by influencing Jags to interview with the Jets. In the history of football, has any player been able to get two head coaches fired in one season? Favre’s a one man coach-killing machine.

If Danny Ainge insists on bringing Kevin Garnett’s ex, Stephon Marbury, into Boston, I will be very unhappy, and I think Garnett will be, too. Marbury’s one of those guys whose self-importance overrides the team. With his Starbury logo tattooed on his ego-inflated dome, he’s Manny in a hoop uniform. Remember, Marbury is one of the reasons Isiah Thomas had to take fistfuls of Lunesta to sleep, and he may lead to Ainge making an appearance on Dave Attell’s insomniac theater. Sure, Marbury can score, but so can the chicks from “Desperate Housewives,” and I don’t want them on the Celtics either.

Trojan man
Every time USC scored in the Rose Bowl, mascot Tommy Trojan circled the field atop Traveler the white horse. My question is, what’s with naming your ancient warrior mascot “Tommy”? When Spartacus, Achilles, and Hercules came by your hut hoping to toss a little discus or put the shot, did they stand outside your mud hovel and yell, “Hey, Mrs. Trojan, can Tommy come out and play?”

This is why all the other schools in the Pac-10 make fun of USC’s academic standards and tell jokes like:

Q: What’s the best five years of a Trojan’s life?

A: Third grade.

Q: What do USC and Cal students have in common?

A: They both got into USC.

Q: Why doesn’t USC have ice on the sidelines?

A: The guy with the recipe graduated.

Launch angle
On Jan. 1, the MLB Network launched. It’s a lot like the NFL Network except it’s for baseball, and the first order of business I’m betting on is how long it’ll be before Harold Reynolds makes a run at Hazel Mae.

Layoffs? You want to talk layoffs?
The wealthy monolith called the NFL has laid off 10 percent of its support staff, and the Arena Football League has put everybody into hibernation for at least a year. In the future, we may see a ridiculous overreaction by the goofballs in NHL management. I anticipate a press release: “The NHL, in a cost-cutting measure, will reduce roster sizes by five men per squad and ask all teams to play shorthanded for the rest of the season. If the economy worsens, we will pull the goaltenders.”

Boston stand-up comedian Mike McDonald tells funny stories all over the world and sells the World's Funniest Golf Balls at ComedyGolf.com

1 comments so far...
  1. Starting off the New Year with great stuff again. Very, very funny.

    Posted by Dan M. January 12, 09 03:12 PM
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