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TRASH TALK: Four reasons to give thanks

Posted by Mike McDonald November 27, 2008 05:58 AM

I’m thankful that two years ago on lottery night, Celtics representatives got drunk with the leprechaun and lost the Greg Oden derby, while Danny Ainge put tin foil on his head and channeled Red Auerbach toward an NBA championship.

I’m thankful we’ve cornered the market on the smallest big players in sports — Wes Welker and Dustin Pedroia. I think Dustin and Wes should team up and open an inspirational miniature golf course. Nobody over 5-foot-8 allowed, and the caddies are all from The Wizard of Oz.

I’m thankful that none of Boston’s pro coaches uses Mike Singletary’s motivational techniques. A coach who would pants himself would look like a complete …

I’m thankful the Patriots aren’t the Lions, the Celtics are no longer the Timberwolves, the Bruins are off double-runner skates, and the monkey is off Sox fans’ backs.

Ball skills
Diane Wilkerson and the Boston City Council have requested that Tom Brady give them a clinic on handoffs, play-action fakes, and hiding the ball (wad). It seems that freezing the safety has some similarities with confusing FBI surveillance.

The Pats tamed last week’s wildcat formation into looking more like Hello Kitty.
Small contingents of mentally deranged fans have suggested that the Pats trade Tom Brady and keep Matt Cassel. To those fans I say, run as quickly as possible toward a CAT scan machine. Brady threw for 50 touchdowns last year, while Cassel projects for 18. You don’t have to be an MIT scholar to cipher that leaves you 32 touchdowns short.

Puckin’ A
There is something terribly wrong with this year’s Bruins. They’re good!

Hustle abounds, Gump Worsley has sprinkled magical fairy dust upon the goaltenders, and guys are throwing the puck at the net. I demand a full medical investigation to make sure that these guys aren’t pod people.

Missing the putt
In this week’s search for stupid management, look no further than the LPGA, which chose to drug-test Annika Sorenstam after she had retired. Sorenstam played her final tour round and signed her card, and instead of getting a thank you and a gold watch, she was handed a plastic cup. Hey, LPGA. If Annika’s test had come up dirty, what were you going to do? Suspend her and sully the reputation of the best woman golfer ever? That would be a huge boost to your tour.

The trash pile
Notre Dame fans misinterpreted home-field advantage and pelted their own football team with snowballs on Nov. 22. A fan in the stands who was able to hit numerous ND players was immediately signed to a scholarship by Charlie Weis.

All of my e-mails this week will be filled with hateful swearing and then be signed, “Happy Thanksgiving, Phil Savage, Cleveland Browns.” … Pacman Jones, the Steve Howe of the NFL, has been reinstated for the 97th time. When is Pacman’s next suspension? I’m betting the under.

Forty-year-old Hal Steinbrenner just jumped over his older brother Hank to take control of the Yankees. I expect real trouble a month from now when Hank comes out of his beer-and-cigarettes-induced coma and realizes it. … If the Red Sox actually pull off a swap of Julio Lugo for Dontrelle Willis, I will dance on your snowy roof. Lugo has the value of an old sweat sock, so acquiring any starting pitcher for him is like trading an old bowl of lime Jell-O for the Queen Mary.

Oklahoma Thunder coach P.J. Carlesimo can put his PJ’s back on, because after taking the Thunder to a 1-12 start, he was fired. Adding insult to injury, he woke up in his jammies the next morning and realized he had moved to Oklahoma.

Boston stand-up comedian Mike McDonald tells funny stories all over the world and sells the World’s Funniest Golf Balls at comedygolf.com

1 comments so far...
  1. I'd make the Julio for Dontrelle trade in a heartbeat. OK

    Posted by Dan December 1, 08 06:15 PM
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