John Daly, the Chris Farley of the PGAA tour, breached golf etiquette again last week when he passed out drunk at a Hooters restaurant in Winston-Salem, N.C. If you handed big John the
Ryder Cup, he’d pour a tallboy in it, pass gas, and ask for his driver. And his driver would be the beer cart girl. He’s the only touring pro whose caddy is also a paramedic.
Hooters is one of Daly’s Tour sponsors, so getting thrown out of its establishments should be difficult. It’s like being a Playboy bunny and getting tossed out of Hef’s house. Unfortunately, Daly now finds himself off the wagon and off the leaderboard.
Football in Jerusalem
Good guy mensch Bob Kraft and family have signed an agreement to sponsor the Israel Football League. That’s right, football in the Promised Land. The IFL plays American tackle football and will bear the logo Kraft Family IFL. Actual team names include the Real Housing Underdogs and Dancing Camel Pioneers. My suggestions for future IFL teams include the Bethlehem Stars, the Tel Aviv Tokus Kickers, and the Haifa Certified Public Accountants. Kids from the Bronx to Brookline will marvel at breakaway runs by Bronco Hirshon and Crazy Legs Goldberg. Hail Mary passes will be avoided at all costs, and tickets will be auctioned off on Oy Bay.
The San Francisco 49ers are rumored to be looking at Condoleezza Rice for a high-level position within the organization, despite her disappointing time in the 40 at the combine. “She hits like a girl and can’t block worth a damn,” said one NFL scout, “but she smells pretty good, has got a good bubble, and can turn her hips. Then you watch her run and you know that ain’t Jerry Rice out there. It’s Condoleezza.”
Rice hastily beat it out of the 49er facility after seeing a motivational speech by Mike Singletary.
Think about this. If Vince Wilfork’s wife had been wielding the camera for the Pats last year, there might never have been a “Spygate.”
Ooh, ooh that smell
Fifteen of the top pro bowlers have balls that smell. That’s because they play with Storm Products’ scented bowling balls, available in stenches like black cherry, bubble gum, red currant, and mango. What’s good for Yankee Candle also seems to be good for bowling. Perhaps you’d like your ball to smell minty fresh? Try Storm’s Wintergreen ball. It’s like throwing a giant Altoid down the alley. I hung a ball off my car mirror as a deodorizer, took a corner too hard, and knocked out my own windshield.
Let’s hope Storm applies its scent technology where it could really do bowling gear some good — shoes and underwear.
The Fountain of Old
If you spot Depends undergarments sneaking over the top of your quarterback’s uniform pants, it’s because four NFL teams have gone old at the top, and they’re playing better because of it.
Kerry Collins is 8-0 after taking over for the mentally unstable Vince Young.
Tarvaris Jackson stunk it up badly enough that the Vikings put Gus Frerotte behind center, and Kurt Warner is in for hot-tubbin’ Matt Leinart. When you add Brett the Retirement Boomerang Favre, these codgers are 22-8 through Week 9. Their hips may squeak when they run, but their arms are as fresh as a freshman’s mouth.
Please don’t hit me
Imagine owning a business that has dozens of the biggest, baddest mixed martial arts fighters under contract. Now imagine having to tell certified berserkers “Cyborg” Santos and “Krazy Horse” Bennett that you blew all the money and they’re getting pink slips. All of them. That’s what happened to EliteXC CEO Chuck Champion as he declared bankruptcy last week. I believe I hear “Meat Truck” Schall applying a submission wedgie to Mr. Champion’s nether regions right now.
For the dogs
Question 3, which was up for a vote this week, may end greyhound racing in the state and put some track jobs at risk. I propose saving those jobs by switching from racing greyhounds to racing the largest of the hot walkers at the track. I know I’d cheer for fat guys in too-tight shorts sprinting toward a carbohydrate. A tempting mechanical pizza will whiz around the rail, and pari-mutuel wagers will include win, place, and cardiac arrest.
Boston stand-up comedian Mike McDonald tells funny stories all over the world and sells the World's Funniest Golf Balls at ComedyGolf.com