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Trash talk: Where's the game?

Posted by Mike McDonald October 23, 2008 05:58 AM

It’s 8 o’clock Saturday night and I tune in to TBS for my favorite comedy, “The Steve Harvey Show.” I get most of the way through a really good episode when suddenly, it gets pre-empted for Red Sox-Tampa Bay ALCS Game 6. What the heck! Now I’ll never
know how that story ends.

TBS reported that two circuit breakers being tripped caused the delay in coverage. Circuit breakers? Well, throw on your slippers, grab a flashlight, and get down to the basement. I’m watching “The Jeffersons” over here!

Show me the money!
As the world’s financial institutions melted down last week, I thanked God for sports as a diversion. I watched the Sox come back from the dead in Game 5, only to open my retirement-account statement and discover that I now have a 201(k). Quicker than Dustin Pedroia can turn a double play, I converted my remaining equities into cash, contacted an international real estate agent and bought Iceland for 80 bucks. You’re all invited over to watch the game in Reykjavik, munch on some grilled penguin, and go volcanic hot-tubbing.

It’s rumored that state budget cuts have affected the Pats’ salary cap badly enough that Govenor Deval Patrick will have to step in to play nickel back next week. Considering Deltha O’Neal is playing more like a Delta faucet, that might actually work. O’Neal leaks like a high-pressure fire hose. So this week coach Bill Belichick has called in Joe the Plumber to check his fittings and throw in a fresh washer.

Elsewhere in the NFL, Pacman Jones had his choice of alcohol treatment programs. After consulting with the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Explosives, he spurned Hooters and the Foxy Lady and entered a program overseen by the league.

That Stanley Cup can party
A recent NHL tradition allows each player from the championship team to spend a day with Lord Stanley’s Cup. Hockey players being wild men, they often treat the Cup not with the reverence due one of the greatest trophies in sports, but more like a frat brother’s Molson can. Guys eat out of it, drink out of it, and bathe Scotty Bowman’s grandchildren in it. Sometimes all at once. It’s funny and slightly disturbing at the same time, because you know that after a night out with the Red Wings, the Cup will have to go to the ding smithy for some dent pulling.

You’ve never seen the World Series trophy being used as a spaghetti strainer or the Lombardi Trophy at the bowling alley, but the NHL chooses to display the Cup with all the sanctity of a prize pig at the 4H fair. It just gets hit with a toilet brush and hosed off before being sent on to the next town.

A league of her own
Sports strumpet Madonna, who was once romantically associated with Jose Canseco, has decided to dump her husband and let Alex Rodriguez take a shot at hitting for the cycle. A-Rod, who’s known for struggling in the clutch, attempted some Yankee panky and fouled Madonna off and into a neighbor’s living room.

Special delivery
During a week that was great for the Philadelphia Phillies, a horse of a different color, Big Brown, was forced into retirement after injuring himself during a workout.

The Kentucky Derby and Preakness winner may not be able to race in the Breeders’ Cup, but he sure will be asked to fill one. Named for the United Postal Service, this super stud will be expected to deliver twice a day, seven days a week. Mares throughout the barns will soon be shown just what Big Brown can do for them.

Boston stand-up comedian Mike McDonald tells funny stories all over the world and sells the World’s Funniest Golf Balls at ComedyGolf.com

27 comments so far...
  1. Good stuff. I hope this guy gets to write more often.

    Posted by Tom White October 23, 08 08:03 PM
  1. I love it !!! funniest guy in sports keep it coming mike hit a nerve somewhere between the funny bone and siatic nerve

    Posted by jim major October 23, 08 08:52 PM
  1. At last...a Boston publication hiring a bright, intelligent , master of words and sports info . I'm so excited to read your column and look forward to more humorous bliss ...in the future Best of luck! Jeanie Flynn

    Posted by Anonymous October 24, 08 12:52 AM
  1. Great stuff. It won't be long before Madonna and Big Brown hit the hay.

    Posted by Fizz October 24, 08 09:16 AM
  1. Though there are many funny situations in sports, most sprtswriters take their jobs (and themselves) too seriously. Mike has identified real life situations and presented them in a creative,laugh out loud column. I acn't wait to read about Mike's take on Jose Canseco's writer's remorse!

    Posted by Charlie Boornazian October 24, 08 10:03 AM
  1. Great column, want to see more

    Posted by Fuzznuts October 24, 08 10:57 AM
  1. funny stuff! We Bostonians are all too serious - we need a good laugh!

    Posted by Antoinette G. October 24, 08 11:05 AM
  1. Funny new column... very smart writing, too!

    Posted by Charlie Plaehaus October 24, 08 01:03 PM
  1. This guy is hilarious! Keep em' coming Mike.

    Posted by bob marley October 24, 08 01:40 PM
  1. Keep up the good work. I am already looking forward to next weeks rant. Nice to see someone that understands sports - and the funny side of it. Sports are entertaining both - as drama (See T.O) - and as comedy (see T.O).

    Posted by Bob Reale October 24, 08 01:58 PM
  1. Write some more!! Looking forward to more funny stuff from Mike McDonald . It could become addictive.

    Posted by Kathie Rost October 24, 08 02:09 PM
  1. good stuff. A little laughter doesn't hurt every once in a while.

    Posted by Will October 24, 08 02:42 PM
  1. Fantastic!!
    I am once again in interested in reading about sports.....
    More please.....

    Posted by Michelle October 24, 08 08:57 PM
  1. Sports, politics, entertainment and finance all in one column. Who could ask for more. By the time Mike writes his column for next week he will have a 101(k). I think he bought Iceland too soon. Keep writing Mike!!!!

    Posted by KD October 25, 08 12:39 PM
  1. I'll be back for another dose of Mike next week.
    Glad to know that someone is looking at the lighter side of sports in this town.

    Posted by Bill G October 25, 08 06:33 PM
  1. Finally, a fun look at sports.
    LOL funny!

    Posted by Sarah Dearing October 25, 08 09:17 PM
  1. Funny stuff! I now have a new weekly column to look forward to!

    Posted by Cathy October 25, 08 11:19 PM
  1. Funny stuff as usual. Good to see someone who's actually funny and not just passing off snideness and cynicism as humor.

    Posted by Dan M. October 26, 08 01:35 PM
  1. About time someone tells it like it is!

    Posted by John Lawler October 28, 08 11:09 AM
  1. The guy's a jazz musician with words - a fantastic, funny addition to the Boston Sports Scene. I'll be here for the next column.

    Posted by John F October 28, 08 07:17 PM
  1. Hilarious! Mike is funny on stage, on paper and on Vicodin!

    Posted by Brian Kiley October 29, 08 01:46 PM
  1. Great stuff....very refreshing and look forward to much more amigo!

    Posted by Joe, Houston October 30, 08 09:37 AM
  1. WOW, a sports writer with a real sense of humor. This guys too good, he won't last here.

    Posted by Spider Lockhart October 30, 08 06:21 PM
  1. OT, I'm a fan and don't usually comment on anythng. But was surprised I laughed out loud repeatedly at this column. This is a damn funny format and a very clever writing style. More stuff like thiis please.

    Posted by Martin Olson November 1, 08 06:57 PM
  1. This would be the first time I read about a 201K in a sports column. Hilarious.
    I can't wait to read about the effect of the election on sportsmanship!

    Posted by Ellen Brody November 9, 08 07:49 PM
  1. I love it Mike it's truly your bag.....

    Posted by Anonymous November 19, 08 05:19 PM
  1. Great stuff! I hope Mike keeps writing his column. I laughed till it hurt, and then I laughed again.

    Posted by Kramer March 1, 09 03:50 PM
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Charles P. Pierce writes for the Boston Globe Magazine. A long-time sportswriter and columnist, Pierce is a frequent guest on national TV and radio.
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