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Trash Talk: Tito's Manny-ectomy heals

Posted by Mike McDonald October 30, 2008 05:58 AM

Imaginary conversation overheard at an LA baseball party:

LA GM: Manny, would you play for 25 million a year?

Manny: That’s a good start number. Gas is up, and so am I …

LA GM: OK, now would you play for a buck a year?

Manny: A buck a year! Man, whatta you think I am?!

LA GM: We’ve already established what you are, Manny. Now we’re just haggling over the terms. *

During his tenure as skipper of the Red Sox, Terry Francona has suffered many medical maladies: a foot infection, a knee replacement, staph infections in both knees, several years on blood thinners, chest pain, blood clots, and a back problem that will require surgery. All on the heels of a midyear colonoscopy during which a 200-pound growth was removed from his bottom and subsequently traded to Los Angeles. Just Manny being Fanny.

Seeing Kevin Youkilis grow that full postseason beard made me wonder if Jewish Amish kids everywhere will be inspired to think that they, too, can play in the majors. … A Tampa Bay transportation study shows that 80 percent of the Rays’ fans are hauled to World Series games by Bandwagon. During the year, this team couldn’t give away tickets, but now it’s “all aboard!” They all wear that brand-new-fan, never-broken-in gear. At least take it out of the box before you put it on, for cripe’s sake. A hat shouldn’t sport both a price tag and a hologram. I hope they all fall in the stingray tank.

Make the putt
Tiger Woods walked onto Torrey Pines last week to caddy for civilian John Abel. With Woods on his bag, Abel, a 90-plus hacker, immediately 5-putted his first green. If you 5-putt with Tiger reading the greens for you, what kind of ugly score are you going to post without his help? I played against a little kid last week who put it in the clownÕs mouth for a 6.

Sweet dreams
A 47-year-old man who disguised himself as Isiah Thomas' daughter was rushed to the hospital from Isiah Thomas' house after reportedly overdosing on the sleep medication Lunesta. Possible side effects of Lunesta include crappy basketball decisions, not knowing if you are your own daughter, and lying to the police.

Rollover minutes
How long before Brett Favre shows up in a cell phone commercial?
"Hey, Matt Millen ... hold on there, Matt, it's Tony Romo. Tony, I'll have to call you back; I have the Vikings coaches on the other line. Brad Childress ... can ya hear me now?"

YAC is yards after the catch, not time on the phone with the opposition’s coaches. But Favre is so vindictively petty about the Packers dumping him that he’s trying to sabotage his old team. If this had been D-Day, Favre would have called Hitler, asked him about his tractor, and let it slip that our boys were landing at Normandy. Ask yourself this: If Tom Brady was making phone calls to Eric Mangini and Bill Parcells right before the games, would that be OK with you?

Speaking of the Pats, they have a new running back with four names, BenJarvus Green-Ellis. Some people wonder: Is he two different people, or did a guy named Ben Ellis eat Jarvis Green?

How ’bout them Cowboys?
The Cowboys started the season looking like the best team in the NFL but are now decomposing faster than a three-bean salad on a sunny day. They beat Tampa Bay on Sunday, but Romo can’t man up through a bad pinky, Pacman’s drinking milk in rehab, Jerry Jones’ face is aging as though he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, and the Cowboys have gone as soft as a good two-ply. How long before TO goes off like a Mentos in a Diet Coke bottle? It’s the best episode of “Hard Knocks” yet. In hopes of stopping the bleeding, Jones has traded for yet another Roy Williams.

* Apologies to Winston Churchill, Robert Benchley, and George Bernard Shaw.

Boston stand-up comedian Mike McDonald tells funny stories all over the world and sells the World's Funniest Golf Balls at ComedyGolf.com

6 comments so far...
  1. McDonald Rocks!!!

    No, I'm not related.

    Posted by Mark Quarderer October 30, 08 03:16 PM
  1. ut oh - I read this at work and laughed out loud! The good news - the guys around me wondered what was up, now they're laughing out loud ... good diversion - now they're getting the boss' hairy eyeball! Excellent column.

    Posted by jen October 30, 08 03:43 PM
  1. Solid effort as always, and I'm not related either!

    Dan M.

    Posted by Dan Margarita October 30, 08 07:48 PM
  1. Brett : hello Ted can you hear me now?
    Ted: Brett shut up... u r not in my 5

    Posted by Eno Bare November 1, 08 12:43 PM
  1. That stuff about D-Day is a scream. Keep it up Mike. Bama

    Posted by Bama November 1, 08 06:03 PM
  1. Hello, I like the new Trash Talk Column. It's enjoyable! Keep it up!

    Posted by Dave November 4, 08 11:00 AM
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