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Trash talk: Shut down corner

Posted by Mike McDonald October 16, 2008 05:43 AM

In a clear "misunderstanding" of how personal bodyguarding works, Adam "Punkman" Jones scuffled with his own security babysitter, Tommy Jones, who was assigned by Cowboys owner Jerry Jones. Jones had hired Jones to stop Jones from getting
into just this kind of a situation. That's ludicrous, you say? No, Ludacris was the guy throwing the party where all this Jones-on-Jones violence busted loose.

Listen up, Pacman. These bodyguard fellas are ON YOUR TEAM. You never saw Whitney Houston put a hurting on Kevin Costner. Pacman's next stop? The Cincinnati Bengals or the Mean Machine.

Double Stuf Charlie in South Bend
Like a plucked weed that grows back twice as strong, old friend Charlie Weis has managed to play through his gastric bypass and absorb massive amounts of calories regardless of surgical intervention. I feel safe in speculating that the Perfect Pushup remains firmly in the box. It looks like he had the operation, then swallowed Andy Reid. Now, I haven't seen Charlie snatch and gobble a bratwurst on the Notre Dame sideline, but you can bet there's not a pork product within grilling range that feels safe.

ALCS screed
Way too much cowbell for Tampa Bay in Game 2, and when Grady Little somehow mind-melded with Terry Francona, Josh Beckett suffered a Pedro meltdown moment ... Every time I hear the name Evan Longoria, I think of the babe on "Desperate Housewives" and it makes me feel dirty ... Desperate to be recognized, TBS field reporter Craig Sager has been given the keys to the worst of Lindsey Nelson's old closet. Whoever advised him that wearing "Project Runway" rejects instead of talking real baseball should be shown the door, too. Mothball Sager and his pastel test patterns before we all suffer a collective seizure ... The right-field corner of Tropicana Field has a giant fish tank filled with live stingrays. Somehow I imagine a Tampa Bay outfielder going up and over the wall for a Steve Irwin moment. They are, after all, really the Devil Rays.

Side effects
Sundays I find myself with a sudden loss of vision, headache, flushing, and an upset stomach. Allergic reaction to Viagra, you say?

Nope. I'm watching Matt Cassel operate in the red zone.

After yet another field goal by the Polish Boot, Stephen Gostkowski, I secretly pray that Brady is being cloned in Mexico.

Jose, can you see?

Can steroids really make you impotent and shrink your testicles to the size of Raisinets? Best ask Jose Canseco, who this week was detained by US Immigration for reportedly muling hCG across the Mexican border. Human chorionic gonadotropin is a drug derived from the urine of pregnant women (yes, you read that correctly) and is injected to restore testosterone levels in steroid users. Now I don't care how run-down, drained, and shagged out I may feel. You will never find me at a birthing class harvesting a woman's fluids as a pick-me-up. No wonder Barry Bonds's head got gigantic. He's bloated and retaining water.

Because we used to love them, but it's all over now
While the Yankees sit at home aging like stinky cheese, the Red Sox have managed to fill out not only their playoff roster, but 12 percent of the Dodgers' roster, too. Yup. If the Dodgers and Red Sox make the Series, Derek Lowe, Nomar Garciaparra, and Manny Ramirez will show up back at Fenway like skanky ex-girlfriends outta the double wide. So let's get bitter.

Nomar had some great years here with the Sox, but now he's like a classic car whose parts are falling off. Expensive and unreliable. Married to soccer phenom Mia Hamm. They had twins last year. Both children were immediately signed by agent Drew Rosenhaus.

Want a new reason to hate on Manny? Well, if Boston wins the World Series, Manny will receive a Red Sox World Series ring. He'll also get a ring for making it to the World Series with the Dodgers. Win or lose, Manny gets more rings than Elizabeth Taylor.

I'm watching Game 1 of the Phillies-Dodgers series and the cameras go to a closeup of D-Lowe on the mound. Yikes. I didn't know if I was watching baseball or the movie "Trainspotting." Lowe was blotchy and sweating like the head of Lehman Brothers testifying before Congress. Personally, I'm hoping it's a Sox-Dodgers World Series, because the atmosphere will be a dogfight.

Boston stand-up comedian Mike McDonald tells funny stories all over the world and sells the World's Funniest Golf Balls at ComedyGolf.com

3 comments so far...
  1. I don't think that even when Lyndsey Nelson wore those outrageously loud coats, that they were in fashion at the time. I think Joe Maddon was the anti-Grady last night. Instead of leaving his starter in too long, he pulled him ridiculously early.

    Posted by Dan October 17, 08 12:22 PM
  1. Enjoyable reading with a few chuckles.
    Whats up with those cow bells anyways!
    Go sox
    Pacman should have never been let back in the NFL,
    Funny article Mike

    Posted by Jack October 19, 08 02:53 PM
  1. I would agree with Mike on several points. Hearing of the continued deeds of Pacman makes me wonder if someday the NFL will have an ankle bracelet penalty. Longoria is much hotter with the wig and showing a little leg on Desparate Housewives . Sager must have worn the purple sharkskin sportcoat for his Mexican wrestling MC gig after the game. Seeing the Gerbil in Tampa Bay made me wonder where the Spaceman is these days and who does Zimmer have photos of with a barnyard animal to stay in baseball.

    Posted by Bill October 21, 08 10:29 PM
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