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Angel of death

Posted by Mike McDonald October 9, 2008 05:50 AM

Kids in Oakland got a first look at Halloween when Al “Nosferatu” Davis threw a press conference to fire coach Lane Kiffin. At one point, Davis (right) levitated throughout the room, passed a mirror without casting a reflection and sucked the blood out of a
Mercury News reporter. Having refreshed himself, Davis accused Patriots coach Bill Belichick of using Jedi mind tricks to steal Randy Moss, then named Tom Cable his fourth head coach in four years. Davis then vanished to be with the rest of the undead.

Big fat sweaty guys are athletes, too
Every time CC Sabathia throws a baseball, he pulls two G’s: gravity and gravy. There’s a story circulating in Milwaukee that on an off day, Sabathia and Prince “Spaghetti” Fielder went binge dining and forced three Chinese restaurants into bankruptcy. Here are my top guesses on what the CC in CC Sabathia really stands for:

Chocolate Cake.

Captain Crunch.

Charleston Chew.

Crab Claws.

Cheese Curds.

Corn on the Cob.

Hairy superstition
Doing everything humanly possible to look older than he is, massively successful Red Sox second baseman Dustin Pedroia (.326) has decided to comb his chest hair up over his neck and face. This gives Pedroia a look somewhere between Clark Rockefeller and a scruffy George Michael rolling out of the Larry Craig men’s room. Then again, the way Pedroia plays, I don’t care if he gets so funky that deer run out to second base and lick his jock for salt.

Q: What plays defense like France, has the hand speed of a sloth and sports a weaker chin than the royal family? A: Kimbo Slice.

My Ricky Williams riddle
What shoots out smoke and sounds like a bell? Bong.
Ricky Williams admitted during this bye week that he fought off the chronic ghost of Bob Marley and came out clean…for now. Hey, I pull for Ricky, but I’m also guessing that the addict in him will permanently put him on tour with Peter Tosh. I picture Ricky, away from the millionaire pressures of the NFL, on a Jamaican beach, hair braided and smoking more bud than a lockjaw patient clamped to a hookah. Until then, I imagine Ricky will remain one of the NFL’s better backs on grass.

Gotta love the underdog
Imagine having a heart transplant and then becoming a pro golfer … OK, now imagine having two heart transplants and becoming a pro golfer … because that’s what’s going on with Eric Compton.

Just four months after having his sternum cracked like a Pier 4 lobster, Compton received his second heart in 16 years and is going to Q school.

You think this guy stands over a putt and hears somebody else’s heart beating in his chest?

Compton, 28, may need another transplant by age 40 because a swapped-out ticker has a shelf life of only 11 to 15 years. You can bet Compton’s cardiology team is getting free short-game lessons.

Sometimes, weird thoughts shoot through my head
Waking in a foggy haze, I blearily opened the sports section to read that the Red Sox had made the ALDS, and just for a second I flashed that the entire team had somehow contracted Lou Gehrig’s disease. Of course, I’m the same kid who, in first grade, convinced my friends that the Jimmy Fund helped little kids get colored sprinkles on their ice cream. My mea culpa was to put 20 bucks in an envelope and send it to Curt’s Pitch for ALS. Remember them.

Irony of the week: O.J.
You kill your wife, you get to play golf. You steal your stuff back, 50 years in prison. What a country.For O.J., what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas … this time for life.

Boston stand-up comedian Mike McDonald tells funny stories all over the world and sells the World’s Funniest Golf Balls at ComedyGolf.com

1 comments so far...
  1. That was hilarious!!!! Funny, but also dead-on.

    Posted by Dan October 13, 08 07:19 PM
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