Dear Chad Ochocinco: First of all, welcome to Boston. You are unquestionably the best and most interesting numeral to hit town since John Paul II back in ’79. And you’ve already cemented that distinction by your announcement during training camp that you plan to live with a fan for the first couple of weeks of the season until you get your bearings around here. All that you require of your fan/landlord is that the fan have Internet access and an Xbox. If I’m you, I just rent out a Best Buy and set up a cot, but we all march to the beat of our own drummers and all that. However, I would be careful, if I were you, about my choice of roommates. Fans here are different from the ones to whom you may have become accustomed. (For example, Patriots fans differ from Bengals fans in that they exist.) It certainly would be embarrassing for you, on Monday afternoon after a tough game, to find that your host has sequestered himself in your Prius with his cellphone and discover, to your horror, that you’re living with Bob on a Car Phone. (Cue the Bates Motel violins.) I have several people who claim to be my fans, although many of them may have confused me with the late female impersonator of the same name. I have no desire to move in with any of them. My Bette Davis is nowhere near as good as the other guy’s.
Charles P. Pierce can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org
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