Look, we’re all baseball fans. We’re all excited for the season to kick back into gear tomorrow night. We’re all eager to see what Clay Buchholz has to offer, the eventual returns of Mike Lowell and Jed Lowrie, and how the Red Sox fare in the second half of what could be a very special season in Boston.
But who are these people Globe reporter Peter Schworm managed to find roaming the streets of Boston, and can we somehow put them away before they manage any harm upon the rest of us?
The Red Sox haven’t played since Sunday, and apparently that has some fans on suicide watch. That’s somewhat ironic because the message these people need to hear is, “Get a life.”
Schworm found many of these lost souls wandering the streets of the Fens yesterday, unsure of what to do without the game of baseball at their disposal. Apparently, a good number of Sox fans have been obsessively watching Red Sox repeats on NESN for the past three days (When on earth are they going to finally unearth the Mother’s Day Miracle?), re-watching “Faith Rewarded,” and reading whatever Red Sox-related material they can get their hands on. Essentially, their lives are incomplete without the Red Sox, which I think we can all agree is a void we’d never want to see come to fruition on a permanent basis.
But kids, it’s four bleepin’ days. Can we get a grip? Tomorrow I fully expect a 700-word piece on how to cope without the Red Sox from somewhere, including novel ideas such as play with your kids or talk to your spouse.
It’s either “look at me” syndrome, or fanaticism at its most compulsive. Contrary to what you might have heard, there is indeed baseball happening tonight. Local fans can even catch the Pawtucket Red Sox on NESN, which will really cut into those repeats that are evidently so damn popular.
Let's see, there's also actually going to Pawtucket, a Cape League game, a Lowell Spinners game, etc. The Red Sox may not be on TV, but there is baseball everywhere you look.
I have a feeling you mention “Tales From the Red Sox Dugout” to these people they’ll start quoting passages. Bring up Larry Tye’s “Satchel” and they’ll respond with a blank stare normally reserved for third period calculus. "Did he play for the Sox?" Uh, no, and for reasons that are far too ugly and embarrasing for any Sox fan looking forward to the next "Sweet Caroline" to comprehend.
This is by far my favorite passage in Schworm’s piece:
“It’s not pretty,’’ said Stephen Kelley, a 35-year-old from Dorchester in a green mesh Sox jersey, cursing the bleak scenario. Replays, and a few drinks, will have to suffice, he said.
“Plus I’ve got kids, so I can keep myself amused,’’ he said.
Ah, so now we have our priorities set in order:
1. Red Sox
3. A few drinks
4. The kids
Get a life. Or at least start acting like you have one.