Brock Holt can hit, run, catch, throw, steal bases, and even fly.
He's played third base, second base, first base, right field, left field, center field, and even DH. David Ross said Tuesday night he joked with Holt hoping "he couldn't catch."
He can even make a Christmas sweater look good:
Boston has a way of getting carried away with the latest young baseball phenom. Remember the excitement surrounding "Will Middlebrooks Robinson" just two short years ago? Now he's best-know for being Jenny Dell's lesser half.
Holt has captured the city's sporting eye with tremendous grit. He's kept his spot on the roster when it was widely assumed by State Run Media types that his days in Boston were numbered once Stephen Drew returned.
But even Brock Holt has his limits. Here are 10 things even he cannot do:
1. Give birth. He's versatile, but not that versatile. Jen's got you beat there.
2. Get Bill Belichick to criticize an opponent before a game. Holt would be considered "a quality opponent who plays well on all sides of the ball and is well-coached."
3. Figure out what Boston Celtics GM Danny Ainge is supposed to do with the No. 6 and No. 17 draft picks. Holt has yet to tweet Kevin Love offering advice about Boston. Ainge, on the other hand, did hit. 220 during his brief major-league career and convinced/blackmailed/begged Kevin McHale to trade Kevin Garnett to Boston for a bucket of nothing.
Point to Ainge.
4. Sign Jon Lester to a long-term extension. Holt doesn't own the team yet. But Lester's price goes up with every successful start like the one he had Tuesday night.
5. Teach Stephen Drew how to hit when he's actually playing. Miracles do happen. This just isn't one of them.
6. Figure out who ratted out Terry Francona back in 2011. Only a handful of people know who the infamous mole[s] was/were.
7. Provide the Bruins with someone who can put the puck in the net without hitting the post. There's nothing in Holt's background that indicates he can play hockey. Of course, we'd never be foolish enough to count him out. A much longer shot for Holt: Earning a spot with the Bruins' Ice Girls.
8. Hit back-to-back home runs in the 10th inning like David Ortiz and Mike Napoli did on Wednesday. He only gets to bat once at a time. The Red Sox scored five runs in three games against the Minnesota Twins and won them all. The Dead Ball Era is back. Or maybe baseball has finally cleaned up its act.
9. Stop Tom Brady's aging process. Brady's Biological Clock hasn't stopped since the Patriots drafted him in 2000. It's just gotten a lot louder and a lot quicker in the past 12 months. Do not kid yourself. Every major personnel move this team has made in the offseason has spun from Brady's football mortality. This holds true even if Brady's has slipped into the Bottom 27 of NFL QB rankings, at least according to ESPN.com's NFL Ireland bureau. Not even Holt can make Father Time go away.
10. Win you a pennant. Holt and his success has given this season some much-needed personality. Thankfully, Holt has morphed into the leadoff hitter the Red Sox had been desperately lacking. Counting on a utility player and contact hitter to carry a team, even in the AL East, will likely lead to disappointment by Labor Day.
The Red Sox are just four games out of the infamous second wild-card, also known as the Opiate of the Red Sox Masses.
Back-to-back/walk-off home runs in the 10th inning aren't going to be a staple, but getting more power and run production from the likes of Ortiz, Napoli, and Dustin Pedroia is what this offense desperately needs.
Memo to Ortiz: More home runs in the 10th inning and less complaining about the official scorekeeper might help, too. You've already gotten your Second Lifetime Achievement Award. Squeezing another hit from the official scorer is not going to earn you any more money, nor does it mean the outcome of the game will change. The team just swept a three-game series. Focus.
That's just another reason why fans enjoy players like Holt, who make the season it a lot more interesting in the interim and doesn't complain during the process.
The OBF column is written by award-winning journalist and Bay State native Bill Speros. Hit him up on his Obnoxious Boston Fan Facebook page, on Twitter @realOBF or at his
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