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Plenty of room for Revis Island in this archipelago

Posted by Obnoxious Boston Fan  March 15, 2014 12:18 AM

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As if Tony Romo ever had a chance in this one.

Thanks to Darrelle Revis and Brandon Browner, "Welcome to New England" was a top trending Twitter topic in Boston.

Even with Browner laying down ferocious hits like this, Revis Island will stand alone in the Patriots' secondary.

His moniker comes from his ability to play single coverage against the best receivers the opposition has to offer. One man, on an island, against the best of the opposition's passing game. Revis played for the Jets, so he's probably familiar with Manhattan, Long Island, Roosevelt Island, Coney Island, the New York Islanders and maybe even former Yankees pitcher Dave Eiland. We tried to keep it relatively regional, so the British Isles, Ireland, Iceland, Greenland, Cyprus, Hawaii, Midway, Madagascar, the Falklands, the Aleutians, Sicily and all the rest will have to sit out this one. Here are 10 islands, both real and in name only, that can unite in an archipelago honoring Revis' arrival with the Patriots.


The Lonely Island. The musical satire group, featuring SNL alum and current "Brooklyn Nine-Nine" star Andy Samberg, Akiva Schaffer and Jorma Taccone is notable for producing some hilarious tunes, most of which we can't share here. "Natalie's Rap" [NSFW version] is a personal favorite. None of the kids I knew who went to Harvard rapped like that. Anyway, when you woke up on this morning humming "Everything Is Awesome," the theme to "The Lego Movie" after taking in the news that the Patriots landed Revis and Browner, you can thank boys from The Lonely Island. They co-wrote and performed the song, which sticks in your head like Revis on Chad Ochocinco or Eric Decker.


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Castle Island: It's not technically an island anymore, but the name has stuck for nearly 400 years. It's the home of Fort Independence and was originally used to protect Boston Harbor as far back as 1649. It's also the home of Sullivan's, a landmark in its own right. Sullivan's opening every year during the final weekend of February serves as a reminder that spring, summer and NFL free-agency are not far behind. I'll take a double-cheeseburger plain with fries and a Diet Coke.


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Deer Island: No longer a geographic island, but it serves an important purpose for residents of the Bay State, much like Revis hopes to do. The Patriots will rely on Revis to clean up in the secondary and overcome any mistakes or plays missed by the defensive front. The facility at Deer Island treats sewage from 43 communities to "ensure Boston Harbor remains one of the cleanest harbors in the United States." Both noble causes for sure. Deer Island has had an interesting past, serving as jail, a quarantine station and hospital for immigrants, asylum, juvenile delinquent reformatory and a military post. In the 1940s, the Army Corps of Engineers built a causeway connecting the island with Winthrop. Revis played for the Jets and Bucs, which only feels like being in an asylum.


Gilligan's Island: Set somewhere in the Pacific, this '60's sitcom was a staple on Channel 56 for those of us who grew up in the 1970s or '80s. Gilligan, the Skipper, the Professor, Ginger, Mary Ann and Mr. and Mrs. Thurston and Lovey Howell were living large despite being marooned following the demise of the S.S. Minnow. "Ginger or Mary Ann?" was the a heated debate during adolescence back in the day and was a precursor to the original incarnation of Facebook. Even more fascinating is that all the characters had first and last names [except Gillian] - skipper Jonas Grumby, Ginger Grant, Prof. Roy Hinkley and Mary Ann Summers.

It's hard to believe that "The Harlem Globetrotters On Gilligan Island" actually happened. Equally unbelievable, the Patriots paying $12 million for a cornerback with a $20 million team option for 2015. Or signing another CB for $17 million over three years who starts 2014 serving a four-game PED suspension.


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"Island Girl" - Sir Elton John and Bernie Taupin teamed up for this gem on "Rock of the Westies." There wasn't much reason to celebrate its release in Boston since it hit "Strawberries" and other fine record stores on Oct. 24, 1975, two days after the Red Sox lost Game 7 of the World Series. The song is full of classic John/Taupin prose and music:

"Well, she's black as coal but she'll burn like a fire
And she wraps herself around you like a well worn tire
You feel her nail scratch your back just like a rake
He one more gone, he one more John who made the mistake."

Speaking on "Johns who made the mistake," how's John Elway feeling these days after sinking $56 million into Aqib Talib [$26.6 million guaranteed] only to see Bill Belichick check-mate him by signing Revis for just one year at $12 million? The Patriots also locked Revis up with that $20 million option for 2015, just in case he's better than expected.

Hey, NFL, looks like the "Bitch Is Back."



Nantucket and Martha's Vineyard: Until Revis Island surfaced off the southern coast of Massachusetts, these were the most popular and notable islands in the Bay State. "The Vineyard" has become the summer playground of the "1/10th of 1 percent-ers" and has welcomed the last two presidents not named Bush as a vacation spot. John Belushi is buried on Martha's Vineyard. Among the living stars you might see there during the summer months: Spike Lee, Billy Joel and James Taylor.

Belichick spends some his brief NFL down time fishing off the coast of Nantucket. Nantucket is better.


Rhode Island: And you thought Florida was crazy. Check out this video. Rhode Island is a state which has several islands. Revis, Browner and any other new Patriots will get to know first-hand the nation's smallest state, or at least part of it. The Patriots' charter flights often arrive at depart from T.F. Green Airport in Warwick.

The Rhode Island Senate passed a resolution honoring the Patriots before their AFC title game loss to Denver that rated only a "Mostly True" on Poltifact.com.

Given Rhode Island's unique political history, a "Mostly True" isn't that bad. The resolution stated that, "The Patriots were led by an explosive offense that scored the second most points in the NFL and a tough and stingy defense." Well, for starters, the Patriots' defense was a lot of things this past season. "Stingy" was not one of them. That's a big reason why Belichick went all out in bringing Revis and Browner to New England. The Patriots also ranked third in the NFL with 444 points scored during the regular season. The Patriots did rank second in points scored at the time the resolution was passed, but only if you count playoff games.

Rhode Island got 75 million Pinocchios when it decided to pour all that cash Curt Schilling's [get well soon] video game company.


Light House.jpg

Isles of Shoals: Straddling Maine and New Hampshire, this small group of nine rocky and nondescript islands is the hard-scrabble Northern New England version of Martha's Vineyard and Nantucket. Or, using an analogy that Revis could understand, they are the Tampa Bay Bucs and Jets if Nantucket and Martha's Vineyard are the Patriots. Smuttynose Island was the site of one of the notorious double-murders in New England history in 1873. On a much more heavenly note, Star Island, which is part of Rye, N.H., is the home of a large conference center used in the summer by the Unitarian Universalist Association and the United Church of Christ.


Island Creek Oyster Bar: If Revis and Browner finds themselves heading to a Red Sox game and want some spot-on New England seafood, they could not do much better than the Island Creek Oyster Bar, located at 500 Commonwealth Ave. The Kenmore Square eatery was named Boston Magazine's "Best Seafood Restaurant" in 2013. An impressive honor given the competition throughout the city and suburbs. The restaurant "is collaboration joining farmer, chef, and diner in one space. We welcome guests to get to know their oyster grower, harvester, winemaker, distiller, brewer, and fisherman. One meal at a time." Revis could not find fine cuisine like that playing in New Jersey.


The Island on ABC's "Lost": If there was one TV series that ties this one together, this is it. More than one NFL wide receiver up against Revis has asked himself: "Why am I on this island?" The show has 12 taglines of note, according to its IMBD listing. Each one is perfectly Belichickian in its duplicity and sounds like a line you may have heard after any Patriots game in the past 14 years. You could play Belichick Bingo with just these and be a winner by Week 4.

  • "They're not the survivors they think they are." [Swear this one is true, from Season 2]
  • All of them have a secret, all of them are Lost!
  • On this island, survival is not a game.
  • Don't Tell Them What They Can't Do
  • Us vs. Them [Season 3]
  • The truth will be revealed [Season 2]
  • The wait is over
  • Lost is Found [Season 4]
  • Destiny Calls [Season 5]
  • Find yourself [Season 3]
  • Destiny Found [Season 6]
  • Everything happens for a reason.

How did "Do your job" and "We were outplayed and outcoached in all phases of the game" not slip in there?

That whole DHARMA Initiative thing sounds has the Hoodie's fingerprints written all over it.

Welcome to New England, gentlemen.

Everything happens for a reason, indeed.

[Off topic aside, the real-life correlation between parts of "Lost" and what happened to MH370 are beyond scary.] Got a news tip, want to let me know directly what you think, or have a complaint or compliment about my "aggressively relevant" content, hit me up on our Obnoxious Boston Fan Facebook page, on Twitter @realOBF or e-mail me at obnoxiousbostonfan@hotmail.com. Thanks always for reading and pass the clicker.

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Obnoxious Boston Fan offers a fun, unique and biting perspective on the Red Sox, Celtics, Bruins, Patriots and whatever else people are talking about in the world of sports. We More »
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