Last time we had to use the OBF Translator was at the onset of spring training, when the bull was flying fast and furiously from the Red Sox and others.
The arrival of Tim Tebow this week in Foxborough created a similar BS-storm. The Patriots, from owner Bob Kraft on down to backup QB Ryan Mallett all offered their thoughts on the team's newest third-string, Philippine-born, former Heisman Trophy-winning quarterback. Reaction to Tebow's NFL resurrection was not limited to New England, either.
In the interest of getting to the bottom of the story, we'll filter their statements of record through the OBF Translator and try to come up with another version of the truth. There's no clever way to say that this is all done in sarcasm without being sarcastic. We'll just hope you're able to figure that out that it's fake on your own.
First, here's what Tebow had to say, for real.
We know there's no way he could ever be less than honest, so there's no translation needed.
"First and foremost, I just want to thank the Patriots for giving me an opportunity. I'm very thankful. It's such an honor to be a Patriot and play for Coach Belichick and Coach [Josh] McDaniels, and learn under Tom [Brady], and be a part of this great franchise and very successful franchise. I found out first-hand; I lost to them several times.
"It's going to be a lot of fun. I'm looking forward to working hard every single day and getting a lot better and learning under some great people. That's all I got. Thank you all so much and God bless. I?m sure we'll be talking more soon."
Now, the rest, starting with an unlikely source, televangelist and former presidential candidate Pat Robertson. This one you have see to believe:
What he really said:
(HT/David Parkman Show)
OBF Translator: "'Big chest and muscles.' No biggie. It isn't even close to the wackiest thing I've ever said about Tebow."
What he really said: Robert Kraft, team owner: "If you want to win in this league, you need quality depth management ... We're blessed to have a lot of people like that, but the fact that spirituality is so important to him is very appealing to me."
OBF Translator: "We had three players on our roster who were suspended for PED use last season, Gronk parties like the world is about to end and his arm's about to fall off, we got smoked in the AFC title game at home, the Red Sox are in first place and the Bruins are playing for the Stanley Cup. Even the Celtics are grabbing headlines thanks to Doc Rivers. I couldn't buy this kind of pub if I was able to cure world hunger."
What he really said: Bill Belichick, head coach: "I think everyone out there is in pretty much the same boat. They are trying to get better day by day, some guys are at different starting points. He is obviously at a starting point that is different."
OBF Translator: "Everyone is wondering what this guy is doing here. Even if I knew, I wouldn't tell any of you. But if he ever screws up, blame it on Josh."
What he really said: Vince Wilfork, defensive lineman: "It's all about football and winning here. If you are not about that, there is not a place for you on this team."
OBF Translator: "If he's our starter, we're doomed."
What he really said: Ryan Mallett, No. 2 quarterback: "He's a great player. There's always competition, at every position. It's part of the job."
OBF Translator: "I'd be stocking shelves at Home Depot if I threw the ball like this guy."
What he really said: Tom Brady, when asked what he'd think of being taken out on a short-yardage situation in favor of Tebow: "I have no idea. That's a very hypothetical question. So, maybe we'll deal with it if it happens."
OBF Translator: "Take me out of a game for this guy and I'll retire."
What he really said: Rex Ryan, Jets coach and Tebow's boss last season: "It's not a surprise to me that Tim would be picked up ... I'm happy for the young man to get another opportunity in the league ... It didn't work out here. So, it is what it is ... If they want to replace Brady with him, that's fine."
OBF Translator: "Our most-memorable play from last season was the Mark Sanchez Buttfumble. Yet somehow, he wasn't good enough for us."
What he really said: Damien Woody, former Patriots' player and current ESPN analyst: "He'll be essentially red-shirted in New England. In a couple of years he could be used as an asset. Maybe he'll play down the road, maybe he'll be flipped for a draft pick."
OBF Translator: "If I said this and was still playing for the Patriots, I'd be cut before I finished the next sentence."
What he really said: Jeff Van Gundy, former NBA coach and Finals analyst for ABC, after a SportsCenter promo mentioning Tebow: "Are we really going down the road of following Tim Tebow every day. Please."
OBF Translator: "Once that happens, we can't spend 24/7 talking about LeBron James."
What he really said: Mike Kafka, the QB cut by the Patriots to make room for Tebow. He was signed by the Jacksonville Jaguars, Tebow's "hometown" team: "It's a great opportunity to come here and learn some stuff."
OBF Translator: "Hey, it could be worse ... I could be playing in the Arena League, or working at Publix."
What he really said: Brandon Spikes, Patriots linebacker and Tebow's former college teammate: "That's good to see him smile. That big smile I'm used to seeing the last few years down in Florida."
OBF Translator: "When we were at UF, we had players getting arrested left and right. But we won two national titles and Tim kept our image squeaky clean. Once Tim left, Urban Meyer could not wait to get the hell out of that place."
What he really said: Aaron Hernandez, Patriots wide receiver and one of Tebow's favorite targets at UF: "There's a reason why he's here. I actually don't now the reason yet but we'll see."
OBF Translator: "Believe it or not, he could throw the ball in college."
What he really said: DeSean Jackson, Eagles wide receiver, when asked if Tebow can improve as a QB: "I don't think so. You have to go out and improve and I don't think he can."
OBF Translator: "Trust me, I'm an expert in mediocre quarterbacks, I've had Mike Vick throwing me the ball the past four seasons."
What he really said: Johnny Manziel, 2012 Heisman Trophy winner from Texas A&M: "I don't think you can hang on one throw in a playoff game ... Tim Tebow is a winner (but) I would hope I am a better passer than Tim Tebow."
OBF Translator: "Tebow won't be the worst Heisman winner in the NFL as long as Matt Leinart is still around."
What he really said: Rob Gronkowski, Patriots tight end, answering a "F---, Marry or Kill" question about Tebow last year: "I'd 'F' Tebow just to take his virginity."
OBF Translator: "I'd 'F' Tebow just to take his virginity."
Training camp starts in 40 days.
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