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Tim Tebow finds salvation with Patriots

Posted by Obnoxious Boston Fan  June 10, 2013 10:13 PM

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The first-place Red Sox winning in 14 innings Monday.

Tim Tebow's career as a Patriot beginning Tuesday.

The Bruins starting the Stanley Cup Finals Wednesday.

It's a Boston world and those Heat fans are just living in it.

How many NFL backup quarterbacks have won two national titles, a Heisman Trophy, have a perfect postseason record at home, were born in the Philippines and know how to perform circumcisions?

We can think of just one.

Welcome to Foxborough, Tim.


When the Patriots take the field at Tuesday's minicamp, don't be surprised if Bill Belichick comes out wearing a hoodie and halo, confesses all of his sins (taping the practice of every opponent since his day coaching the Jets, his ill-conceived drafts, fourth-and-two, signing Ochocinco...) and then ascends into heaven with Tim Tebow.

The first they'll probably do is lock out Ray Lewis.

Or maybe Belichick will just melt in all his Darth Hoodie fury once Tebow begins Tweeting Biblical verses from his locker in Foxborough.

Or maybe that first meeting would go something like this:

Either Tebow sold his soul to Belichick for another shot at the NFL or the End of Days is upon us.

Salvation for sure.

But will this resurrection be heavenly or hellacious?

The Pilgrims and Puritans came to New England to seek religious freedom. Tebow is coming to New England as a religious refugee as well. He was persecuted by Pope Rex, unable to find a his rightful place in an offense whose most notable play of the 2012 season was Mark Sanchez running head-first into a lineman's rear-end on Thanksgiving night and dropping the ball.

Meanwhile, Tebow's time in New York was a titanic-sized Buttfumble.

His potential in New England is limitless, at least when it comes to internet pageviews and re-Tweets.

Even if he can't get a snap at quarterback. he may be able to heal both Rob Gronkowski's body and soul. When the Patriots and Broncos first met in the 2011 season, at the height of "Tebowmania - the NFL Chapter," we highlighted the matchup of "Goofus" and "Gallant."

Here it is, updated:

"Goofus spikes the ball after each touchdown. Gallant offers prayerful thanks on one knee whenever he ends up in the end zone."

"Goofus poses with porn stars. Gallant prays with prisoners."

"Goofus loves to party in Vegas during the offseason. Gallant spends his down time caring for orphans in Asia."

(That's not to say Gronk doesn't do good. He joined more than 1,000 men, women and children who cut their hair at Gillette Stadium Sunday to raise money to help those with pediatric cancer.)

Now, they are teammates. The next time Gronk wants to dance on his broken arm, he may have fellow tight end/backup QB/Wildcat-back/long-snapper Tebow there to caution him, or perhaps broker a deal.

"Rob, I'll be happy to join you at that bikini keg party to make sure you don't break your arm again, but first, you have to promise to come with me next month to the Philippines to help circumcise these kids."

Tebow will probably lose his virginity the first time he shakes Gronk's hand. Or he may heal Gronk's broken arm with one touch.

Tebow's piety was part of his persona long before he ever awkwardly threw his first NFL pass. Because of Tebow's devotion to Him, he remains an incredibly divisive figure in spite of his genuine personal ability to connect with anyone (except of course when he's trying to throw the ball more than 10 yards.)

There has been an internet army working full-time 24/7 for the past five years to find anything, and I mean anything, that could discredit him as a person in the most minute manner.

There are millions of Tebow haters who just can't wait to find out that he watched "Cinemax After Dark" last week, had a DUI in Gainesville on his scooter back in the day or once dropped an "f-bomb" in high school just so they can crawl out of their holes, yell "Tebow is a hypocrite!" and then slither back down into the basement with another PB&J and a quart of Red Bull.

Thus far, there's been nothing, not even a deleted Tweet, where Tebow's private life has clashed with his public image. And when he was scheduled to speak at church whose minister had gone full homophobic, Tebow smothered the wishful hopes of his haters by reversing course and declining the invite.

Although he did patent "Tebowing."

Tebow is a home-schooled son of Christian missionaries who played his high school and college football in Florida and remains publicly committed to sharing his faith. If he shows up eating a Chick-fil-a sandwich, Moonbats across the Commonwealth will explode.

At times, Tebow seems blissfully unaware of any of this. And that's because he probably is.

His football abilities remain another subject. This is his last shot at playing QB in the NFL for sure, especially with the presence of his former Broncos coach Josh McDaniels running the Patriots' offense. There his critics have better standing. He found success in Denver because McDaniels and the Broncos had no other choice to adapt his style long enough to notch a playoff victory. Swapping Tebow for Peyton Manning was a no-brainer for John Elway, even though Tebow has more postseason victories in the Mile High City than Manning and Tom Brady combined.

Tebow even leads Brady in the statue department 1-0. His life-sized bronzed likeness stands outside Ben Hill Griffin Stadium in Gainesville, along with statues of fellow UF Heisman winners Steve Spurrier and Danny Wuerffel. So much for worshiping false idols.

Tebow was forced upon the Jets by their owner. He flopped in the Big Apple, which really isn't a surprise considering the negative effects apples had in the Old Testament.

But, Tebow does win.

A lot.

That make him an outcast with the Jets.

And should make him feel right at home in New England.

Don't forget to visit our Obnoxious Boston Fan blog. As always, let us know what you think. Post your thoughts here, on our Obnoxious Boston Fan Facebook page, on Twitter @realOBF or e-mail me at obnoxiousbostonfan@hotmail.com.

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Obnoxious Boston Fan offers a fun, unique and biting perspective on the Red Sox, Celtics, Bruins, Patriots and whatever else people are talking about in the world of sports. We More »
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