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Video: SNL skewers Manti Te'o, Armstrong and Jodie Foster for openers

Posted by Obnoxious Boston Fan  January 20, 2013 07:51 AM

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"Saturday Night Live" began its new year with a solid punch to the jaw of a couple of dishonored and/or embarrassed sports stars of the past week by skewering them in the show's cold opening.

SNL has been on break since before Christmas and host Jennifer Lawrence rang in the New Year with one of the best shows of the season.

In the opening, Piers Morgan (Taran Killam) was left nearly speechless while questioning disgraced cyclist Lance Armstrong fresh off his appearance on Oprah's network, a somewhat still befuddled Notre Dame linebacker Manti Te'o and, for good measure, actress Jodie Foster, who had delivered a compelling and confusing speech of her own at the Golden Globes.

When Morgan, who calls Armstrong the most despicable person on earth, says people questioned the sincerity of Armstrong’s apology, the cyclist replies “Who said that? Who? They’re lairs, those fat bitches!”

Armstrong offered this sort-of apology: “The blame is probably 70-30 on you. A lot of the reason I just yelled was because of the cancer I had, which is not an excuse, unless you think it is. The most important thing is I never, ever called anyone a fat bitch.”

Armstrong explained his "sophisticated system" of doping: "It wasn't really that sophisticated," he said. "All I did was steroids, testosterone, human-growth hormone, EPO and I replaced all my blood with better blood ... Is it cheating, yes? Am I sorry I did it? Yes...ish. PS. No."

The real-life Te'o (nailed perfectly by Bobby Moynihan) claimed he was duped in a hoax where his late girlfriend turned out not to be a real person. This version of Te'o couldn't quite come to grips with the fact that Lennay Kekua still doesn't exist - dead or alive.

“The sad fact is, I was the victim of a cruel and senseless hoax,” he said. “It’s even more devastating for my girlfriend, Lennay.”

While Morgan repeatedly multiple times to explain the hoax to Te'o, the would-be NFL star simply doesn’t get it, adding: “Lennay is gonna be pissed.”

Te'o also talked about Kekua's death. She called me and said, "I have bad news, I'm dead" before telling Te'o she didn't need a ride to the funeral because "her body was going to be shot into outer space."

Foster (portrayed by our favorite SNL rookie Kate McKinnon), told Morgan that she happy to be 50, among other things. Foster said she guided by the two most reasoned voices in her life - Robert Downey, Jr., and Mel Gibson. She elaborated on her big announcement from last week. She said she was "ga......me for almost anything", wanted the audience to know she was a "huge Les......lie Nielsen" fan and loved "Girls...the HBO show" before adding she was happy to get this huge weight off her "lesbian chest."

Lawrence delivered tongue-in-cheek zingers at each of her fellow Oscar nominees in her monologue. Her best line was the throw-down to nine-year-old Quvenzhane Wallis, nominated for "Beasts of the Southern Wild": “What you talkin' about Wallace? The alphabet called. They want their letters back.”

She also nailed "Zero Dark Thirty" nominee Jessica Chastain.

'Well, well, well. Look who it is. Jessica Chastain. More like, Jessica Chas-ain’t winning no Oscar on my watch!'

Lawrence also took place in a post "Hunger Games" press conference in which the contestants were asked why Catniss (Lawrence of course) and Peeta (Killam) in the "The Hunger Games" are so well nourished and if either one had a chance to speak to any of the other contestants after the Games.

And SNL offered a few more upcoming "Hobbit" flicks that Peter Jackson still has in the works, 18 to be exact. Among the titles fans can expect to see soon are: "Hobbit 3: Shoot I just Realized I Forgot Something in the Shire. Mind If We Double Back" and "Hobbit 8: The Elf Queen Tries To Pick Out An Outfit."

The Lumineers were the musical guests this week. Adam Levine of "The Voice" hosts next week and the musical guest is Kendrick Lamar.

"Don't miss our in-game fan chat during Sunday's AFC championship game on boston.com. The mayhem begins at 6:15 p.m. Obnoxious Boston Fan, once known as Lennay Kekua, can be reached on Twitter at @RealOBF, on his OBF Facebook page or via e-mail at obnoxiousbostonfan@hotmail.com.

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Obnoxious Boston Fan offers a fun, unique and biting perspective on the Red Sox, Celtics, Bruins, Patriots and whatever else people are talking about in the world of sports. We More »
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