The patient awoke early yesterday morning and the doctor could not believe what he saw and heard. The man hadn't made a sound or opened his eyes in seven years. And there he was, wide awake, asking for a bowl of ice cream, and wondering how his hair could have thinned so much overnight.
The doctor told him that it wasn't overnight. He told him that he went to sleep while watching the 2000 Stanley Cup finals and never woke up.
"Whoa," said the patient. "I hope my wife kept up with the cable bill. I've got a lot of catching up to do on all my teams. What's up with the Red Sox these days, anyway? Carl Everett still up to his old tricks, driving Jimy Williams crazy? They should think about letting that pitching coach Kerrigan manage the team for a few years, but I doubt Duquette would go for it. And Mr. Harrington - who is charging me $55 for my front-row seats - is too cheap to make the change. Have they built the new Fenway yet? And what about the Curse of the Bambino? If it's 2007 like you say, we must be up to about 89 years since our last World Series win."
The doctor started to speak, but the questions kept coming.
"What about the Pats, doc? How'd things work out with that Belichick clown? He was a joke in Cleveland and I can't believe we gave up a draft pick to get him. I bet Bledsoe is still piling up the numbers, though. Drew must be in Marino territory by now. Did that Michael Bishop kid ever work out? Have we been able to compete in the division since I went to sleep? Foxboro Stadium's gotta be showing its age. I hope Bob Kraft didn't change his mind again and take the Pats to Hartford.
"The Celts, doc, what about my C's? Thanksdad been to any games since I left? Rick Pitino got them to the Finals yet? I hope the little weasel at least restored Red's title as club president. Are they going to retire Toine's No. 8 jersey any time soon? They really should do something about the name of the building. Who says 'FleetCenter'? I think they should just call it the New Garden.
"What about BC football? They any good now? I enjoyed the Insight.com Bowl win last year, but it would be nice to see them get into the Top 20 one of these years."
The good doctor raised his hand and signaled for the man to stop. There was so much to say and he had to gather his thoughts before starting. How could this man possibly understand what life is like for sports fans in Boston in October of 2007?
"The World Series starts at Fenway Park tomorrow night. It's the second one here in four years. The Sox beat the 86-year-old curse in 2004 with the greatest comeback anybody has ever seen - against the Yankees, no less.
"You won't believe what it's like at Fenway now. Every game is a sellout and there are people sitting on top of the Green Monster. It's sparkling and expensive, still the most beautiful ballpark in America. The environment for big games is unrivaled.
"The Sox just overwhelmed Cleveland in three straight 'elimination' games by an aggregate count of 30-5, and Game 7 was effectively over when the Irish step dancers came out and stomped while the Dropkick Murphys performed, 'I'm Shipping Up to Boston,' their hit from an Academy Award-winning movie that was shot in Boston.
"The Sox have 'new' owners who have remodeled Fenway and demonstrated a willingness to outspend the Yankees, if necessary. They have a brilliant young general manager and a skipper who 'gets it' like no man in the Fenway corner office since Joe Morgan. They have players fans want to root for - legends like David Ortiz, Manny Ramírez, and Curt Schilling, and home-grown grinders like Kevin Youkilis, Dustin Pedroia, and Jonathan Papelbon. Fans love these guys and the players love them back. Schilling even has his own blog.
"The Pats have the best owner, best coach, and best quarterback in all of football. They play in a state-of-the-art stadium and have won three of the last six Super Bowls. They are the true definition of the word 'team' and they have a chance this year to join the 1972 Miami Dolphins as the only undefeated teams in NFL history.
"The Patriots are 7-0 and led the Dolphins, 42-7, Sunday at halftime. Watching Tom Brady throw to Randy Moss is like watching Bobby Orr skate in front of the net, then take flight after flipping the puck past Glenn Hall.
"The Celtics have Kevin Garnett, Ray Allen, and Paul Pierce and are favored in some circles to get to the NBA Finals this spring. Oh, and the Boston College football team is ranked second in the country. The Eagles are in the ACC now, by the way.
"Here's what you do next week. You go to the seventh game of the World Series at Fenway Park on Thursday, Nov. 1. On Friday, you go to the New Garden to see Garnett make his regular-season debut with the Celtics. The Red Sox Duck Boat parade should be Saturday afternoon, which will allow you to see second-ranked BC play host to Florida State later in the day.
"Then on Sunday, you fly to Indianapolis where the unbeaten Patriots will play the unbeaten Colts in a rematch of last year's AFC Championship game. That ought to just about get you caught up. Any questions?"
"Just one," said the patient.
"What's a blog?"
Dan Shaughnessy is a Globe columnist. He can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.