1. Crime blotter. Denmark, a country usually known for the happiness of its people or the svelte figure of its leader, is now the country where they shot a giraffe named Marius in front of children at a zoo and then fed the giraffe to lions. (If you’re going to kill an animal with a name, you should avoid doing it on camera, and in front of children. That’s just common sense.) In Boston, Mayor Marty Walsh announced a gun buyback program, which may or may not be moronic. Meanwhile, in New York, the state’s largest-ever cockfighting bust involved 70 arrests and 3,000 chickens. What’s the largest mental health center in America? It’s a jail in Chicago. McGruff the Crime Dog was sentenced to 16 years behind bars after he was found with 1,000 marijuana plants and a grenade launcher. If Silk Road getting shut down put to rest your fears of not being able to order drugs from the safety of your own basement, don’t worry. You can still buy drugs online using Bitcoin. Imagine a world where all terrorists were this incompetent.
2. Leadership potential. Because what the world needs more of is definitely Rob Ford, the human disaster and Toronto mayor launched his own YouTube show, Ford Nation. The first episode features Ford explaining that he doesn’t have a substance abuse problem. Sigh. It has been a while since The White House has had to handle the tricky maneuvers necessitated by political love triangles. The engraved invitations for an upcoming state dinner had to be redone when it was revealed that a certain French president would be bringing someone different to the event. Someone he had been secretly visiting via motor scooter. Meanwhile, in France, reporters are now seeing illicit trysts everywhere. They’re convinced Obama and Beyonce are hooking up. A state department official said “F--- the EU” to an ambassador. The German chancellor didn’t like it. Speaking of ambassadors, the US is still awarding diplomatic posts “to wealthy campaign contributors in an outmoded system that rivals the patronage practices of banana republics, dictatorships and two-bit monarchies.” You know what would make Chris Christie’s BridgeGate scandal even worse? If we found out that he took a helicopter ride just for kicks, to watch the traffic jams designed as punishment for a mayor who didn’t support him. From the state that brought us BridgeGate, a newspaper correction that’s more perfectly New Jersey than you can even imagine. Closer to home, inquiring minds still want to know: will Scott Brown run for Senate in New Hampshire? And if he does, will he be wearing a barncoat when he makes the announcement? When it comes to Scott Brown, we should really be asking whether he will be wearing anything at all. And could former Providence Mayor Buddy Cianci be staging yet another comeback? It’s possible.
3. Bye-Bye birdie. Remember Flappy Bird, the game everyone spent last week talking about? Well if you haven’t gotten around to downloading it, you’re too late. The game’s creator mysteriously pulled it from the app store. But don’t worry, you can buy a used iPhone with Flappy Birds already installed for under $100,000. Speaking of eBay, here’s an explanation for the company’s $50 billion turnaround. In Boston, when you need liquor, you drive to the liquor store. But that’s too much work for the good people of New York City, so there’s now an app that lets you use your iPhone to have drinks delivered right to your door. While the Obama administration debates the pros and cons of taking out a US citizen with a drone, a Hartford TV station may have violated FAA regulations when it flew a drone-equipped camera over the scene of a fatal car accident. And they’re not the only ones getting FAA scrutiny for their drone experiments. AOL CEO Tim Armstrong’s comments during a recent conference call didn’t go over so well. He claimed that the company was changing its benefits as the result of two AOL employees who had “distressed babies” and, as a result, increased the company’s benefits costs. Could these two distressed babies possibly be to blame? And we hear from the mother of one of these babies. What’s heartbreaking (and also heartwarming) is the fact that these babies could grow up and never know the feeling of superiority when you meet someone who is still using an AOL email address.
4. Media fumbles and related news on the news. Facebook tweaked its news feed, and you won’t believe what happened next. The experts in handling leaked documents have a tendency to mishandle them. Guardian reporter Glenn Greenwald is back in the news as he prepares to launch his new journalism venture. The first issue of the digital magazine will focus on, wait for it … Edward Snowden’s NSA leaks. You know what Twitter really needs? More people who understand that you don’t have to tweet to love Twitter. Finding the truth on the Internet can be tricky, but do we even care? Maybe not. The media storm surrounding allegations of sexual abuse by Woody Allen continues. The New York Times published a response by Allen, who denied the allegations and said he will offer no further comment. But was the New York Times out of line in publishing Dylan Farrow’s allegations? An American working as a teacher in Kiev used his smartphone to create a “small library” of videos documenting the violent protests taking place. One Atlanta TV station went a little overboard during the region’s recent weather crisis. And by a little overboard I mean totally and completely overboard. They explained the decision. A runner was interviewed on TV about the “joys of running in the snow.” As the interview ended, she ran away, and fell. (It’s worth noting that falling is but one of the many joys of running in the snow.)
5. Also ... Michael Sam plans to become the NFL’s first openly gay player. Will his announcement that he’s gay affect his chances of being drafted? And could this ESPN analyst not think of anything unoffensive to say? Forget Sochi: Saturday was TRUCK DAY! Here are 10 things to look forward to as Red Sox spring training gets underway. Apparently, even mice find their parents annoying. When female mice go about choosing their mates, they avoid males who sound like their parents. Mice are also hard at work helping us understand the science behind the munchies. You probably think Los Angeles is dumb. You may even think Starbucks is dumb. What about a coffee place in LA called “Dumb Starbucks”? That sounds pretty dumb. You know what are also dumb? Diets. It’s hard to be surprised by stupid things Dennis Rodman does. But what about pooping in a hotel hallway? That’s a little gross.
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