1. This week in cigarettes. House Speaker John Boehner told Jay Leno he wouldn’t trade cigarettes for the chance to be the leader of the free world. Why bother with the presidency when you can cut your own grass with a glass of wine in one hand a cigarette in the other? Meanwhile, jails in rural areas are now selling e-cigarettes to prisoners which makes money for the cash-strapped counties while also offering the added benefit of ensuring that prisoners are still nicotine-addicted upon their eventual release.

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2. Karma’s a bitch. Author, conservative commentator and offender of many Dinesh D’Souza got indicted for federal campaign fraud. It’s hard to feel bad for someone who tweeted this. JPMorgan gets fined for doing all kinds of things they shouldn’t have. So they give their chief executive a big, fat raise.

Boston, MA #MBTA #StreetArt 1/24/14

3. Dirty, dirty Boston. Someone is finding and writing about the filthiest Boston area apartments. Hopefully this isn’t becoming a trend. I blame that whole no-pants subway thing. Luckily at least one person is working to make this disgusting cesspool of a city a little more beautiful. (via Reddit)

4. Think before you Instagram, but not so long that you miss the moment. Photography has gotten a lot faster since the olden days. There was once a time where photos couldn’t even go viral. But now they do, and your next crappy photo might be worth a lot of money. Instagram is now the hottest social network. (Remember Friendster?) But before you assume your next Instagram post will make you a ton of money, remember it might also get you in a boat load of trouble. Madonna is still taking heat for an unfortunate hashtag. And a series of Instagram posts resulted in nabbing a bigtime Mexican druglord. And if you’re in the UK, the wrong social media post could land you in jail.

5. Ralph Lauren has some explaining to do. Our Olympic uniforms are bad. Really, really, really bad. Ralph Lauren hasn’t created anything this offensive since he decided to enlarge those tiny pony logos. And since when is it okay to wear white pants during the winter? Or white sweatpants ever? To see how much better we could have done, you can look to Norway. Or Germany. For an Olympics where gay people aren’t welcome, this sure is fixing to be a rainbow explosion. Oh, and there’s some kind of football game next weekend. I’m not clear on the details. But before the game gets underway, Bill O’Reilly will be interviewing President Obama. (Drink every time O’Reilly mentions “the folks ” and you’ll be passed out before the inevitable halftime show wardrobe malfunctions.) The week is over, and we are done as a nation.

Five@Five is a new feature that you can expect on this blog every weekday at 5 p.m.

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