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Dear Margo

Now that ex is slim she wants him back

May 20, 2011

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Q. When my ex-boyfriend and I called it off, he was very heavyset (5-foot-10 and 250 pounds). He was slimmer when we met, and then his life became stressful. (His cat died, his mom got cancer, and his niece was molested by her stepfather.) I wanted him to lose some weight for health reasons, but he wouldn’t. His eating habits were grossing me out. He went to McDonald’s almost every day and ordered three Big Macs. So we broke up eight months ago because of all the arguments.

Well, here’s the sad part. He’s thinner now (about 175 pounds of muscle) and has a new girlfriend, who’s a total witch. And he’s hotter than he used to be. I really would like him back because he’s hot and slim. How can I step on his witchy new girlfriend so I can get him back?

SUE

A. Isn’t it always the way? A woman dumps Tubby, and then he morphs into an Adonis. Sort of like the married man who has a girlfriend, the wife dies, and then he marries someone else. These things are hard to figure. If you made a play for him, he might figure out it was all about the physical aspects, which is none too flattering. As for the witch, I would not move to dislodge her. My only suggestion would be to let him know that you find yourself missing him and see if he responds. Or doesn’t.

Q. A year ago, my fiance’s brother got married. This was really hard for us since we had been together longer than they had, and we’d wanted to get engaged but were unable to due to family issues. During the year, we listened to constant talk about their upcoming wedding at every single family event. As you might expect, we were relieved when the wedding was over. In November, my fiance and I got engaged, basking in the idea that it would finally be our turn for wedding thunder. But the other night, my fiance’s brother and his wife announced they were pregnant, with the due date occurring very close to our wedding date. So, of course, that subject dominated the evening.

My fiance and I are frustrated that they will be having the first grandchild around the time of our wedding, and we’re worried that we will be forgotten in the midst of their big event. We’re upset because we feel like it is finally our turn, but the focus will be on the new baby. (We’re also feeling a little guilty at the same time.) Neither of us is sure how to approach this or how to handle the way we feel. Fearing being overshadowed, we find ourselves drawing further away from his family. Are we being selfish, narcissistic, or attention hogs? Any advice would help.

OVERSHADOWED

A. I don’t know the origin, but I see real competitiveness — as though there were a race and they beat you to the altar. Unless the brother is clearly the favorite child, I think the two of you are hypersensitive and are perhaps carrying around a chip on your shoulders. I feel reasonably certain the brother and sister-in-law did not time their pregnancy in order to draw attention from your wedding. It would be constructive if you could both move to the “as if’’ mode. That is, make a real attempt to stop weighing who’s getting more attention. This would involve a concerted effort, but the result would make you and your fiance much more emotionally comfortable.

All letters must be sent by e-mail to dearmargo@creators.com.