Color me baffled by this paint choice.
Dear Martha Stewart: I believe you were otherwise incarcerat . . . er . . . occupied a while back when I discussed my efforts to remove the aluminum siding from my house, beneath which I discovered the remains of several long-lost insect civilizations. (I was the Lord Carnarvon of mummified household pests.) The discovery of these entomological ziggurats was what brought down on the house a plague of woodpeckers and brought about a careful rereading of the Book of Revelation. Well, you’re out of the sneezer and we’re finally painting the house. Naturally, we turned to your Martha Stewart Living palette to choose a color. (Or, rather, the style-conscious members of the operation did. I have no gift for such things. My favorite shade is called That’s OK by Me.) We were doing fine until we came to MSL031, a shade of gray called Gypsy Moth. Excuse me? Gypsy Moth? This is a color? I mean, it isn’t even a very attractive moth. I know you may have lost a bit of your touch in the slammer, but I had a house briefly decorated in actual dead moths, and it wasn’t a good look, believe me. Do you have a whole line of pestiferous colors, and does your audience of insecure, grasping yuppies actually go for that kind of thing? “Yes, Muffy, we’ll do the main house in Gypsy Moth, with some Chestnut Blight for the trim, and the pool house will be E. Coli with Dutch Elm shutters.”
Charles P. Pierce can be reached at email@example.com.