Boston isn't just the Freedom Trail, Duck Tours, and Beacon Hill. Boston isn't just museums, great universities, and a historical landmark of America. Boston is trendy, young, and alive. It isn't the city that never sleeps, but it is the city that never lets you down.
The dynamic state capital is unrelenting in terms of nightlife, entertainment, and dining. So lace up your high tops, strap on your heels, throw on some flip flops -- or maybe you need snow boots -- but whatever style you're rocking, get out of your house and go out on the town.
Mondays are a big hangover day for me, but since I don’t work at a desk, I’m not feeling the pressure. Rest up by sleeping late, but get out the door by noon and head to any place that serves coffee and home fries, and enjoy your weekday brunch with a smile knowing that tonight is Monday, and you're going out.
Where, you might be asking, is this mess of a human being planning on going on a Monday night? I’ll tell you where -- the place the people born like me are going: Machine!
Machine is perfect for a Monday. If you work a tough day at the office, there’s a leather daddy upstairs at Ramrod who’ll be happy to spank the angst out of you. And downstairs is a Party Monster fantasy. There are no people dressed in chicken costumes (usually), but the drinks hit you hard, and the music by DJ Susan Esthera hits you harder. Before you know it, good-looking boys surround you, decent girls, and some other, uncategorizable types, too, and you're loving life again.
Drink in hand, the music couldn’t get any better -- and then the clock strikes 12:30 a.m., and a magical voice comes to the mic to announce the show’s beginning. A musical? Even better: lip-syncing drag queens! They all look amazing in eight layers of tights and leggings, and I can barely tell they’re men beneath the foundation and perfect false lashes.
Yum, Tuesday. Cambridge tonight. Sleep as late as possible, as you will need your strength for this. Pluck off the feathers from that drag queen’s boa, and put on something sharp -- I suggest some glasses, suspenders, and a bow tie, because tonight might get sophisticated.
Tuesdays at ZuZu on Mass Ave are like the best thrift store you’ve ever shopped at: They have everything you desire, and they don’t want your money like the hobos in the Common. It’s only two bucks to get in, and with tallboy PBRs and Narragansetts for days, this place is never dry. Everyone here is smarter than your smartest friend and better dressed than Lady Gaga. They are models who like nerds and nerds who get more ass than toilet seats. You are cool, everyone else is cool, and together, you must party. Such an eclectic crowd comes with eclectic DJs. They play old-school rap and dance tracks that give out heart attacks, and maybe they’ll also play something romantic you can get sloppy to. Here’s hoping.
Hump day. Finally, it’s here. Showering on a Wednesday is important. Brush your hair, hit up an ATM, put away your high tops, and don’t for a second think it’s acceptable to wear a sports bra.
With the ladies high, march up to the doorman, tell him you’re on the list, and walk into Splash in the Financial District (past Chinatown), where you'll kiss the boys like you’re a European. DJ Dirty Dek and the brilliant Bamboora are spinning all night, it’s bumper to bumper in here, and the girl pressing up against you helped you cheat on your econ final. Your accountant buys you a drink -- he graduated a few years ago, is devastatingly handsome, and, yes, he did valet his Mercedes this evening. Cabs will be outside waiting for you, but if all else fails, enjoy the co-pilot position of a Benz.
Thursday is the new Friday in Boston. Let’s go where it all began: Faneuil Hall. The tourist trap is also home to several of Boston’s most popular places to get obliterated. It has a history of causing belligerence and government overthrow, but who can be mad about that? It’s natural!
McFadden’s is the first stop, The Place is next, and then Bar Room, Sanctuary, Kitty O’Sheas, Hong Kong, and Sissy Ks. It’s like a personal pub crawl with all your college buddies because, most likely, you went to college with everyone there -- or you hazed them as freshmen. Prepare to fight a bitch for a cab, have a good story to tell, and ice your bruises in the morning.
Let the games begin -- it’s officially the weekend. Oh Friday, I thought you’d never come! Have you ever been to Miami? Imagine Miami, but colder; imagine Miami, but less expensive; imagine Miami in Boston, and you must be waiting in line at Royale.
Don’t worry -- it’s worth it. The place is ginormous, with couches on the stage and famous visting DJs like Rusko, Aioki, and DJ Pauly D. You’re a loser when everyone’s there and you miss it...so don’t miss it. Get your tickets ahead of time, make friends with one of their gorgeous dancers, say “hi” to the GM, and get inside and start shaking it. With two floors and a handful of bars, you have no excuse for not enjoying yourself.
It’s not over at 2 a.m. -- just the drinking. About two blocks from Royale is Rise, the afterparty you were dreaming about. The DJs are mostly House-inspired, and it’s 18+ and alcohol-free, but who needs booze when you’re high on life? Dance the night away and make sure your friends get some Red Bull down because you ain’t getting home 'til the sun comes up!
Saturdays are a lot like Wednesdays, but more grown-up, so order something classy at District on Lincoln St. Maybe make it a Ketel and Red Bull, as opposed to your usual Smirnoff Ice. Forget your inhibitions, and hope to Jesus you look good on camera, because the 6one7 boys are definitely going to tag you on Facebook when you stand on the couch to dance in your mini dress. If you bump into Paul Pierce, be sure to tell him how amazing he is -- maybe your next drink will be on him, maybe your best friend will be on him, maybe you and your best friend will be on him and you can finally find out what the rooms at the W Hotel look like. Stop blushing -- this really could be you!
It was huge -- the room at the W Hotel, I mean! This time, I’ll be ecstatic if my drunk ass gets tagged up on the ‘Book getting cozy with a Celtic. To end this week right, you’re going back to Tremont Street and drag queens.
DJ Richie La Due will do you no wrong when he spins at Hot Mess Sundays at Underbar. The gorgeous Destiny hosts the lounge while Fena Barbitall gets needy in the large space, handsome guys get shirtless, and the lesbians in heels and blazers are fierce. Notorious bartenders help you slurp your usual, but feel free to get footloose and fancy when the shot girl offers your something neon in a test tube. Don’t wear anything tight, or you’ll end up being arrested for public indecency. This place ought to be clothing optional -- you dance so hard, it’s all bound to come off!
If you made it through these seven days alive and didn’t get laid at least once, you screwed it up somewhere. Boston is amazing if you just open your eyes, your wallet a little bit, and a few days of your schedule each month to appreciate it. Work hard, play hard, and drink responsibly!
By Charlotte Glasser -- I am a private person with a demanding social life. I am interested in people and their lives. I hope to take something from everyone I meet and incorporate into myself, and I love fresh perspectives. Twitter: @GuppBoston.
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