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Freshman 15: The Characters You’ll Meet in Your First Year (Part 1)

Posted by Alex Pearlman  September 14, 2011 06:32 PM

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freshman-calendar.jpgWelcome to Boston, Class of 2015! If you’re looking forward to an eventful four years in the best college city in our country, then you’ve come to the right place. With over 60 schools in Boston proper, there are endless amounts of things to learn, places to see, and Mission Hill keg parties to attend.

We want you to go forth and explore, but you should also be prepared for the characters you’re guaranteed to meet along the way. We just want you to know what you’re up against.

The Lax Brahs. Has Easter come early? No, it’s just the pastel polo shirts and neon-rimmed sunglasses of The Lax Brahs. By day, find these cookie-cutter Ken dolls tossing lacrosse balls around the quad, carefully sculpted biceps emerging from their pinnies without modesty. By night, see them sprinkled throughout crowded Allston basements, guarding the keg and crushing beer cans on their foreheads. They might not be romantic and they might not be clever conversationalists, but whenever you run into a Lax Brah, by God, there will be color.

The Brooding Writer. He takes meals alone and is often curled up in a remote corner of the library or sitting under a quad tree strumming clumsily on his acoustic guitar. You’re enchanted by his silence: He speaks so little, yet his mysterious eyes have so much to say. Alas, this self-proclaimed “misunderstood dreamer” speaks only through poetry, oil on canvas, and Dashboard Confessional lyrics. Try your hardest, and you could become his muse, the inspiration for the abstract rhyming couplets of his next coffee shop performance. Extroverts, Jersey Shore followers, and Lady Gaga fans need not apply.

The Facebook Friend. You met her at orientation, but you “knew” her long before that. She Facebook messaged you, tagged you in a post, and added you to the “Class of 2015” group all in the same day. That group may not help you make friends, but bonding over the shared confusion of this mysterious friendship will. Everyone will make a friend while talking about The Facebook Friend -- everyone, that is, except the The Facebook Friend herself. Because, hey, she’s kinda weird, you know?

The Over-Participator. At your first floor meeting, your RA encouraged you to get involved on campus. Only one girl took that advice…and she took it too far. Between class and Dunkin’ Donuts runs, The Over-Participator attends club meetings, shows school spirit at sporting events, and dreams about what to bring to the multicultural potluck dinner. Before a professor finishes posing the question, her hand is up. You can try to keep your distance, but you can’t avoid her forever. You know that club you might join next semester? She’s already in it.

The High School Glory Days Guy. He’ll arrive at a party wearing his letterman jacket and a giant class ring, and there is quite the story behind both of those gems, if you have a minute or 30. He grew up in a small town not so far away, and everyone knows all about it -- not because it’s famous or remotely interesting, just because he told you. High School Glory Days Guy has a remarkable gift when it comes to taking absolutely any conversation topic and relating it back to his championship football game, the crazy after-prom party, or the math teacher who wouldn’t get off his back. He knew a guy like you once, and he’d like to tell you a story about him.

The Exchange Student. Poor Exchange Student came to America looking to start over, but instead, he got stuck living with you and your animalistic classmates. At first, he is shy, scared, and doesn’t say much, but he sort of loves it and soon grows comfortable, letting his true colors shine. You can identify The Exchange Student by his inability to form sentences in a consistently correct format, his distinctly European footwear, and his delightfully aggressive interactions with girls. You'll find him explaining his actions to an enraged Self-Appointed Mother (see below) after a cultural misunderstanding, and he thinks American girls, except Debbie Desperate (again, below), are too conservative.

The Girl Who Knows That Guy Who Can Get Her Into That Great Party. She used to hang out with this superhot guy from Northeastern, right? And, like, he’s a sophomore with a ton of friends, right? And he totally wants to get back with her and, like, be her boyfriend or whatever, but she isn’t really sure about it because she is talking to this junior at BC who’s on the hockey team, which is seriously cool. But they’re both in fraternities, and they’re both having parties this weekend. She would totally like to bring you along, but, ohmigod, she just doesn’t know how many people she can take. She’ll definitely text you if someone bails at the last second though. Keep your hottest dress on standby and wait by the phone!

Check back tomorrow for the rest of the "Freshman 15"!

Photo by Richard & Ava's Blog

By Alison Amorello -- I am a recent Emmanuel College graduate who loves creative writing, cheeseburgers, travel, car radio sing-a-longs, and Armenian line dancing down the hallway when no one is watching. I'm not sure what I'm up to next year or next month, but I plan on having fun for the rest of my life. Twitter: @AlisonAmorello

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