I kept expecting my teeth to fall out, because that's how that dream usually ends.
The producer called Wednesday afternoon to see if I could come down for the following morning, and write up a bunch of questions on etiquette for a segment called "Push Comes to Shove." Yes! Drink lots of coffee. Write questions. Decide on logistics. Pause for a moment in wondering gratitude to modern technology and ancient evolution that my dog can actually hold it for as long as it will take me to fly to New York City, appear on a television show, and fly home again. Isn't that kind of amazing when you think about it?
Plan outfit: Must be comfortable, wrinkle-resistant, flattering cut & color for television, feminine and fun but authoritative.
(Hypothesis: Sweating through Best TV Dress Ever on a local Fox affiliate increases odds of subsequent offer for a national appearance, in a corollary to the established Carwash-Precipitation Correlation. Look how perfect that red print dress to the right is. Upbeat, flattering, modest, perfect for all seasons. As Troy Barnes once rightfully said of monkeys, "Why do I not have ten of them?")
Choose polyester Calvin Klein leopard-print sleeveless dress with full skirt. Black kitten heels, sheer hose, 3/4-sleeve black cardigan, gold and crystal starburst earrings, gold and white resin bracelet. Decide to ask for Dita Von Teese - inspired dark red lips and black eyeliner for and an updo for a dramatic ladylike look.
(Operation Ladylike Authority a success.)
The updo was actually so dramatic, and so extraordinarily well scaffolded, that I got patted down at the airport on my way back home. Not all of me, just my head. "Excuse me, ma'am, I need to pat down your bun," the TSA agent actually said. Though initially rattled by this, I later understood why, as I spent the night picking metal out of my hair like a friendless, nitty gorilla. If that thing had gone off I could have taken out the entire commuter jet.
And that was my week.
Here's the segment again in case you missed it, because, hey! -- "Today Show" appearance! -- and in order to point out the amusing fact that they headlined it with one question I didn't ask: Whether or not it is appropriate to read 50 Shades of Grey in public. (I stand by my assertion that it is not.) One commenter on the Globe Facebook page wrote, hilariously, "I actually saw a receptionist -at a nursing home of all places - reading 50 Shades of Gray! Mind you she was very young, but you would think she should know better." Given her job, perhaps she thought it was about diversity in the senior population?
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Welcome to Miss Conduct’s blog, a place where the popular Boston Globe Magazine columnist Robin Abrahams and her readers share etiquette tips, unravel social conundrums, and gossip about social behavior in pop culture and the news. Have a question of your own? Ask Robin using this form or by emailing her at email@example.com.