On with the show
To one beholder, this pageant’s a real beauty.
Dear Miss America: I don’t know who you are. Nobody knows who you are yet. You’re not going to be selected until the end of the month, but I still feel safe in talking to you, whoever you might be. First of all, don’t be overly concerned that the event is on basic cable -- and not just any basic cable, but TLC, formerly known as Gosselin’s House of Marital Thumbscrews. Nothing’s on CSI-giddy network TV now, anyway, except partially dissected cadavers. (I include Jay Leno’s new show on NBC in this category.) And don’t be concerned that one of your sponsors is the DSW Shoe Warehouse. Hey, some very accomplished football players from Boston College just had to play in the Emerald Nut Bowl, so it could always be worse. And I will grant you that it is not as remarkable to walk down a runway in Las Vegas as it used to be in Atlantic City, since everyone in Las Vegas acts as though they’re walking down a runway at one point or another. You pretend to walk down a runway at the gas stations there, probably with a replica of the Arc de Triomphe looming above your head. Nevertheless, there is still considerable glamour attached to things. Rush Limbaugh is one of your judges this year. Now, the NFL owners didn’t want any part of him, but that shouldn’t concern you. However, if I were you, I’d probably put the St. Louis Rams evening gown back in the box. Just this once, anyway.
Charles P. Pierce / firstname.lastname@example.org