Critic’s corner

By Wesley Morris
Globe Staff / July 30, 2011

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Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets, 8 p.m., Channel 5

Remember when this series was just a bunch of kids running around with wands and talking hocus-pocus mumbo jumbo? What’s that? They still are? Oh. Well, remember when the movies looked bad and were deadly slow? In other words: Remember when they were directed by Chris Columbus? ABC is inviting you to relive whatever’s the opposite of magic. With commercials.

Law & Order SVU, 10 p.m. Channel 7

If this isn’t the best show on television, it’s definitely the best show on television where crazy stuff happens and Mariska Hargitay puts on a leather jacket and makes it better. Tonight brings a Hargitayless rerun, in which Stabler, Fin, and a newly reinstated Novak try to figure out who assaulted a schoolteacher.

Pit Boss, 10 p.m., Animal Planet

Bad as those dogs are, apparently the owners are worse.

Zardoz, 8 p.m., Fox Movies

In the year 2293, Charlotte Rampling succumbs to a loinclothed, ponytailed Sean Connery. The release year is 1974, and in 2011, it shows. But wow, anyway.

Ancient Aliens, 8 p.m., History

Cowboys shot down a UFO near Tombstone? Seriously?

BBQ Pitmasters, 9 p.m., Planet Green

“Pit Boss,’’ but with napkins and wet wipes.

The Woman With 15 Personalities 10 p.m., OWN

Please let one personality be a cable subscriber who asks when Oprah’s going to figure this thing out.