A TV guide that tells you what’s really on
What if some of TV’s networks and cable channels promoted themselves as they really are? What if there were - hang on to your hats - truth in advertising? Their names, slogans, and mission descriptions might look something like this:
SDTV: Self-Destructive TV
We dig ourselves deeper into the hole!
At SDTV, we don’t fool around when it comes to ruining our network. By placing our future in the hands of personalities such as Howie Mandel, Donald Trump, and Jay Leno, we pretty much guarantee our own failure. Yeah, we’ve got some tart Thursday night comedies, but don’t let them stop you from thinking of us as the Biggest Loser.
No identity and loving it
Knowing who you are is overestimated, as far as we’re concerned. In a world where branding is essential, we prefer confusing vagueness. We’re a crazy stew of disparate elements, some of which - the documentaries and “Masterpiece’’ - are quite good but get lost in the random shuffle. What, you want us to develop and anchor a few more popular signature series? That would be too easy for us.
For Grace and her favorite Will
Need some fabulous fashion advice? Want a lesson in trendy lingo? We know absolutely everything about how to do clothes, real estate, and hair with style. Plus, we have Kathy Griffin. Let us be your gay best friend.
Cable Noose Network
If it’s on the run, we’ll chase it
We love to throw a visual maze of charts, knobs, and tickers in your face, to give you a headache. We love to creep you out with holograms and Larry King. And we love to waste your time with non-news news. CNN: We love to overplay minuscule stories to make you despise the 24-hour news cycle.
We go there and then some
Moral uplift? It’s overrated. From “The Shield’’ and “Nip/Tuck’’ to “Sons of Anarchy’’ and “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia,’’ we’re the best at offering as little redemption and political correctness as possible. We’re tough enough to show you the pits of human nature because we know you’ll come back for more.
Who cares if it’s true?
In our shop, we believe that too much value is placed on facts. We’d rather just go after anything that moves in that unbalanced, unfair, democratic, liberal, commie kind of way. You know what we mean. If you like screeds, we’ll be there for you.
Courting Disaster Channel
We heart your misfortune
Yes, we long for the days of the O.J. Simpson trial and the Tonya Harding scandal. Sniff, sniff. But these are the good old days, too, and we’ve got plenty of smoking guns and personal nightmares to look into. From tornado damage to speeding tickets, we’re poised for schadenfreudian action.
We’d rather serve up a slew of forgettable shows about superficial, wealthy, anomic teens than do anything creative. Seriously, like why not? I mean, we don’t know what else to do with ourselves. A show like “Glee’’? Not our bag. Too good.
Step right up folks
If you have a third leg, no legs but hands coming out of your nose, or a belly bump that you think is just gas but is really a baby, then you belong in our tent. Multiple births? Can’t get enough of them. We know that everyone wants to look on in horror/pleasure. Watching Carny TV, the country learned about Jon and Kate Gosselin. You’re welcome, America.
When all else fails
We think of ourselves as a celebrity pawn shop. When down-and-out F-list celebrities bring us their dignity, we take it in exchange for a trashy series such as “My Antonio’’ or “Brooke Knows Best.’’ Are you a semi-semi-famous person who did time in jail or rehab? Is your career going nowhere? Are you a Baldwin? Have we got an offer for you.
BSTV: The Buy Stuff Channel
With the right kitchen, your life will be perfect
We love pretty things, and we want you to love them, too. And now that we’re in a recession, we still love pretty things and want you to love them, too - even if only for fantasy’s sake. Come to the land of home improvement, where we talk brass tacks about brass tacks and dream of a beautifully upholstered future.
The more human desperation, the better
As the home of troubling shows such as “Intervention,’’ “Obsession,’’ and “Hoarders,’’ we love watching people in the their most difficult psychological states. If you’re on the run from the law, wanted for murder, hitting the bottom of your addiction, or just on the verge of falling apart, we’ll love you, we promise. Just let us show your illness to the world.