Simon Cowell

On "American Idol"
Catchphrase: "I don't mean to be rude..."
Weapon of choice: Blistering honesty
Why he's here: Every party has a pooper — that's why they invited him. In the goopy populist sweepstakes that is "Idol," Simon is our designated realist, calling swill as he sees it, making Paula look like a backward toddler, and blithely crushing a dozen dreams a night. We love it.
Bully rating: Three fists