This Sunday, March 9, Oprah Winfrey's OWN network will broadcast the premiere of Lindsay, its new "docu-series" (that's classy-talk for "reality show") that follows the now-sober (?) actress and human cautionary tale that is Lindsay Lohan on the comeback trail. Following a yearsssSSSSSS-long public fall from grace, Lohan resolutely turns face-down the framed mug shot that I like to imagine she keeps on her nightstand, pops on some lip gloss, climbs back on the proverbial career horse and rides, baby, rides.
Except she doesn't. At least, not without hitting a few bumps along the way, if this just-released trailer for the series is any indication. It suggests that during the production of Lindsay, Lohan was as unreliable a documentary subject as she has been an actress — which is probably the result everyone involved was actually hoping for, since the alternative (an earnest, recovering problem child capably gets her life back together!) makes for a better sense of humanity but worse TV.
A few time-stamped highlights, for your convenience:
0:25 — Lindsay, who appears to be either hunting for Cheerios in the carpet of a Motel 6 or making a mix tape, admits that she "feels like a prisoner" to paparazzi. Cue: slight sympathy, replaced by the slowly dawning reminder that she is not a craft-focused artiste caught, despite herself, in the cruel crosshairs of invasive media, but someone who spent years fostering a public circus designed to invite spectacle - and spectators.
0:33 — Dina Lohan, founder of an upscale, concierge-like service that pushes destructive decisions on her daughter/meal ticket (also, sunless tanning), appears to remind us that we blame her for everything.
0:47 — Michael Lohan, Lindsay's grease ball-y dad, appears to remind us that we blame him for everything, too, if that's possible. Can it be possible? We're deciding it's possible.
0:59 — FIRST SIGHTING OF TEARS. Lindsay storms out of something. It is not "what she signed up for." She also asked "to go light on the mayo." Lindsay's life is pain.
1:13 — Lindsay locks herself out of her apartment, halting production on Lindsay. Director Amy Rice updates her Christmas list.
1:25 — Lindsay's sober coach is asked whether she's still abstaining. There are not enough crickets and tumbleweed in the world.
1:46 — Mother hen Oprah enters to tell Lindsay "her truth": That she wants the actress "to win." But she's got to "cut the [expletive]" to make that happen. Somewhere, Iyanla Vanzant cracks her knuckles and mutters, "Let me at this one, O."
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