Words I never thought I'd say: I'm starting to feel bad for Kim Kardashian.
First she got pregnant, and tabloids - violating a social contract dictating that we don't make expectant mothers feel bad about their bodies, but maybe that's just me - started depicting her as a Lovecraftian devourer of worlds, inhaling all planets that come within the grasp of her bedazzled, faux alligator-skin tentacles. (Available now at DASH!) The woman is growing a new human being inside her, yet she's treated like the Stay Puft Marshmallow Woman of Beverly Hills, toppling over taco trucks as she feeds the insatiable demon-child within. Seriously, world. Shut up.
Now Ray J, a rapper whose name is almost always preceded by the phrase "singer Brandy's little brother" (a qualifier that tells you a lot about his level of fame), has released a new single. Titled "I Hit it First," this elegant, autobiographical work of art references Ray J's most notable role to date: as Kim Kardashian's "co-star" in the sex tape that rocketed her to fame, and rocketed him to a slightly longer Wikipedia entry. Ray J is clearly concerned that you forgot he was in that tape. Ray J is clearly concerned you forgot about him. Ray J was right.
The grossest part? Everyone is talking about this track as though Kanye West, Kim's current boyfriend and baby-daddy, is the one who should be offended. Not Kim, I guess. Even though she's the one discussed like she's a bong that got passed around the college dorm room.
Though the single artwork appears to be a highly pixelized version of a well-known photo of Kim on the beach, Ray J is playing it kinda coy about who the song is really about. But the lyrics make it clear that this is basically three minutes of Ray J screaming "FIRST!" in the comments section of Kim Kardashian's sexual history. (Which is, uh, a pretty rosy delusion you've got going on there, tiger.)
Why, some of Ray J's masterful wordsmithing includes:
"She might move on to rappers and ballplayers/ But we all know I hit it first/ I hop in the club and boppers show love/ And I don't even put in work/ I hit it, I hit it, I hit it, I hit it, I hit it, I hit it first. I hit it, I hit it, I hit it, I hit it, I hit it, I hit it first."
"I had her head going north and her [Kardashian lump] going south / But now baby chose to go West /We deep in the building she know that I kill 'em /I know that I hit it the best."
And finally, because I am addicted to the poetry:
"[Porn-ish sentiment] jacuzzi / And if you were to come back to me girl /We'll make another movie."
This week Ray J also released a teaser trailer for the music video, featuring a Kim K lookalike and references to Chicago, Kanye's hometown. (Beware: this is a 15-second loop that plays over and over. Watch it once. That's enough. Or don't. I wouldn't blame you.)
Perez Hilton opines that Kanye West "gets SLAMMED" by the song. (Uh, slammed for what? Not being the brave gardener of loooove who stole Kim Kardashian's blushing flower?) Hollywood Life reports, "Ray J: Kanye West Shouldn't Be Upset About 'I Hit It First.'" (Well, okay. But is it his feelings we're supposed to be concerned about?) Everywhere you click, the conversation revolves around how insulted Kanye West must feel. Not how insulted Kim Kardashian must feel, despite being talked about like a pre-used video game. No. Somehow the total misogyny of the song has been obfuscated by a "beef" between two dudes throwing digs at each other over which of them can lay claim to not being the first person Kim Kardashian had sex with.
I imagine Kim cocking an eyebrow, raising one hand meekly from the corner of a classroom: "Can someone call on me, please?"
The moral of the scandal: just in case you weren't sure, the gravest insult to a guy is still the suggestion that his girlfriend had a sex life before him. That sullies her, you see, because her beau is no longer sole proprietor of her one useful function as a woman. Dear god. We're in 2013 and discussing a Ray J rap song, and the subtext still sounds like something that should be printed on a papyrus scroll and call for the stoning of someone in the town square. How much does that make you hate everything? Me: a lot.
Kim Kardashian, here's the good news for you. Ray J hit it "first" (or at least, beforehand), but you're hitting Kanye now. So, while I would never endorse you making a return to music, if you ever feel inclined to record a response track to Ray J, here's a suggested title:
"I Upgraded." Could be your first hit.
The author is solely responsible for the content.